Past and Present

I am lost for words to describe you
I don’t have enough words to describe you

You took me out of the box I was living in
You are teaching me to live in this harsh world

I wish I had given you more love than I did
I wish I could love you like I want to

I wish things had never ended for us
I wish we could begin like my heart desires

You are the best thing that ever happened to me
You are the best thing to walk into my life

I wish we never went our separate ways
I wish we could be together

You never understood me
You can never understand me

Life just left me with nothing
Only desires left unfulfilled

I should have held you close
I want the courage to face you in the light

Arms wide open

So you have been avoiding me. I understand. I might have done something but i think you have overthought things and it’s okay. You need your space to deal with everything i guess. I opened my heart to you and you have chosen silence. Guess I now know what you have thought of me all along. It hurts. But it’s okay I can take it. Because I am strong. Because I still care for you and till you are ready to return, when you do, my arms are wide open for you.

I will survive this. I will not entertain these negative thought in my head. I will be positive. I will let go. I will live on. I will smile and laugh.

Emotions & people

Why are we complicated?
Why are we so emotional?

Do you know?
How would you?

You are busy killing yourself
You are your own biggest enemy.

You are lost in the happy ending that will not be
You are fight a fight you have already lost
You have been fighting alone
While he has been busy planning a future for himself.
Alone.
I gave you my advice
I said throw him out
But I see you are still living in the lie
I don’t want to watch you kill yourself

You are heart broken
Your pack left you by yourself
I stayed as long as I could
I guess that was not enough
You have made your decision
You have shut me out
Now all I see is your dead face
For others you smile and you laugh
You pretend like I don’t exist
You think I haven’t noticed
When I asked
You said nothing

All I’m thinking about is why
Why are you doing this to yourself
Why am I so bothered by this
Why can’t I get you out of my mind
Why did I get shut out

When did you become this important.
I am sad
I want to help
But i’m cut in place hard to heal
How can I help you
When I can’t help myself
How can I give you everything
When I have nothing

Do you not understand?
Why the fuck are you so selfish?

Friend

I rather look at the curious eyes, confused laughter, innocent smile on a warm hearted person

Than,

Look at the ever changing demeanor, judging eyes, sarcastic smile on a good hearted person with the good intent.

Because,

The world is  cruel, indifferent, cold and harsh.

And i would like to forget that more than anything,

For i have a sad heart that need healing

Not reminding.

Rather…

I rather live with failures than with regrets

It is easy to just do nothing. Not try to be happy, not try to find love, not try to build myself and my mother a comfortable future and the list goes on. It is easy to blame everything, life, circustances but it is tough to accept them and try harder, be it against these immovable forces. The question i ask myself is prettly simple yet tough. Do i want to live knowing i tried or do i want to live knowing i gave up? I won’t give up on myself on life or anything i am strong and i will fight survive my way through all of this and hopefully find my nirvana. And hopefully i won’t be alone.

I am a man bent by circumstances, life and nature. Sometimes i fight them. Sometimes i move along.

Survival. 

Loosing battle?

I smile. I am sarcastic. I am loud. I argue with people. I laugh. I think I am putting on a show for the world so they don’t see through my eyes and see the sadness.

I am hurting. There are days when i’m sad and tears just roll down. Times I am forced to hold them back, for I don’t want the world to see me break down.

I am consumed by sadness among many other feelings which is making me loose a bit of me slowly.

I am dying inside.

There are days when I can feel my heart ache. I thought it was just psychological until I read an article the other day, about how the emotions are just not psychological but physical as well. Could it be physical as well? What is going on with me? Am I going under? Is this depression? Is there a possibility that this might kill me?

I don’t want to die just yet! I am not done fighting for myself, my life!