Death is definite

I am only human.

I have said it before and I will repeat it again and again, for it is a fact. It is neither good nor bad. It is just how it is.

Human are instruments of both good and bad. What a human does is up to him, his choices – good or bad. He is responsible for his actions, whether he did it consciously or unknowingly. It is his responsibility. He can’t fight it. He has to accept it. He has to own it. How he does it is up to him.

I deal with the good and the bad by telling myself, I am only human. I accept my actions. I accept the mistakes I made, I apologize. I will try not to repeat the mistake again but the fact remains what is done is done and cannot be undone. That is another fact,

We can’t undo what is already done. Unless you can control time. I can’t. I am a mere human

I have been on earth for 26 years now, most of which I have spent as a child. Now even my childish ways haven’t left me and I don’t think it ever will. As long as I acknowledge my mistakes, learn to not repeat them and actually learn from them, I will be fine.I have to be. I want to live, experience everything as they come along, deal with it all and survive. For I will die and I want to die with a smile. I know I am not perfect, I don’t think anybody is.

I am my own perfect self and I will never fit into anybody definition of perfection.

My days are numbered and in these days I want to live, do what I need to and let the days pass. I do not want an extra-ordinary life. Just a simple, plain life. I just want to live.

Advertisements

Thing about Love

I let myself fall for you and I let you fall for me.  Now that you are not around I don’t know what I am supposed to do with this feeling. How am I supposed to deal with this? I hate this feeling, this desperation for your touch, this feeling to want to hold you so bad. I’m trying to find ways to not feel this feeling, to not be desperate for you, to not depend on you to make me feel good about myself and this life. I was this person who wanted to avoid all of this dependency and yet here I am longing for you. I know this time you won’t come like the last time you did, I wonder if you even remember that? I do. May be that was the time I fell for you hard, may you shouldn’t have come back then, but you did.

I was never the one to believe in this thing called love but now that I’ve felt it, I believe in love and call myself lucky. I used to wondered what love is and what all the fuss is about. I wasn’t able to describe love then because I hadn’t felt it. I didn’t know love. Now that I have been in love (may be I still am), I still can’t put it into words. I don’t know why but I am going to try to find words. I don’t like to depend on others for anything let alone depend on one person to make me feel good about everything but love is that thing that makes you depend on this person. And this level of dependency just increases and that is love. Love depends on you growing into one another and you love every second of this new found togetherness. You find this world of we, where you are a better you and you feel better about life and makes you feel like you can do anything, go through anything and everything. That’s the power in we, that’s the power you feel being in love. Love makes you strong. But when things go wrong and they do every now and again to test your love. It is not something that is easy to deal with. And now I understand what I didn’t then.

Love is a strong thing; a powerful feeling that could takes you to the moon and back. But it’s not perfect, just like us; it’s fragile and needs to be cared for. Imagine love to be this beautiful heart made out of glass, it reflects the best you and a beautiful life. When you fail to look after your the heart, the glass cracks. When there are enough cracks, pieces of it fall out and these pieces don’t just disappear, they fall into you, they cut you deep and with you it shall forever remain within. The scar of love is deep and like no other. They take you back to the memories of us, of the world you found in love, in togetherness with that one person, that beautiful world. You miss being there, that powerful togetherness which overshadows all the pain. You miss the person, the strength you felt. You miss the entirety of love.

There is no going back after you have felt this thing called love. Love is complicated. It is not just one feeling, it is many feelings which can’t be described. It’s not about I or you, it’s about we and the world you see from there together. And it’s beautiful.

Heart breaker

So this is what it feels like
to have crushed somebody’s heart
Dead, like there is nothing in me anymore
just a deep black hole and it doesn’t matter what I do
I won’t be able to fill that hole within.

So this is what is feels like
to have broken somebody’s soul
and my human instinct just tells me to move on
pushes me to keep living on another day, mundane tasks that won’t really matter in the end it just won’t matter.

empty. void. selfish. survival.
Survive, that’s the word my head is repeating to me, Survive.

Not Today

If I had cared for what people thought of me, talked about me in front of me or behind my back I would have never survived high school, that is a fact I know but I did survive and doesn’t matter what they throw at me I know I will survive and I will fight, therefore I’m a survivor and a ‘onemanarmy’.

I dun remember what age I was but I used to wonder if eating body lotion would kill me, come to of think of it, that’s very disturbing. But this subject of killing myself has always been in my head for a long time, not that I’m proud of that thought or anything but it feels like I’ve always been looking for a reason to look forward in life, to just live. It feels like, a line I quote from the series game of thrones “death is a god to whom you say, not today”. That is what I’ve been doing for a long time, trying my very best to keep that thought away but now that I’ve found myself a reason to live a little it is easier to keep the thought of death away.

So this is what I’ve learnt, if you find it hard to breathe, to live find yourself a reason, a reason you cannot run from, may be you can look at it like a leash what binds you with life and hope with the days passing you find more reasons to live. Live free, live hard and breathe some life into your life and yourself; and keep saying not today to death, because you are yet to live, live till you can greet death like an friend but till that day push the thought of death far far away from your head, from your life.

 

Clean slate

They say if you want to start something new you got to do it on a clean slate and I think its time I do that.

I’ve been living with the past haunting me in my head. I’m probably just imagining that but these thought are not easy to let go. It’s this feeling of being unable to have what I want; this feeling you get when see what u want to become part of your life but then u realize you wont able to have that, that feeling of being a rejection is sure not easy to deal with. It leaves you feeling unwanted, disgusted with yourself and eventually hate yourself. I’d lying if I said I’m over that but I’m trying to and try harder not to let that happen again. These psychological barriers I have up in my head makes me ask a lot of questions to myself, questions that I can’t avoid and the answers to that usually stops me from living a life I want to, be me. that’s how things have been for me and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one but that doesn’t mean its good it’s just that I need not let this psychological thing stop me live and do what I want to. Sometimes asking questions don’t help because looking for answers might just make you forget about just going out there and miss out on the adventures, experiences that might just make you a better you. So if you are reading this and can relate, even if you don’t go LIVE; If u already are GOOD!