There comes a time when, multiple times in life, you find yourself very lonely. You could be around people but you still chose to stay alone because them being around does not change the fact that I am feeling lonely.
Growing up I have been a loner, a sad fellow who always manage to hide the fact really well. I grew up to accept it, adjust to it and then I fell for someone. I mattered to someone. I was loved by someone. Life was beautiful, it was all colorful. I was happy and I knew it, felt it. I found great friends, I mattered to them. We drank, we sang, we enjoyed our times together. I was not lonely anymore. I was not sad. Sure I still had things that were bothering me but I was happy.
Things then went south. I lost of lot of thing. Reasons sometimes were me, circumstances, them but that does not matter. Because the fact that I’ve lost everything I had does not change now knowing these reason, blaming someone or times. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I’m to do right now. So my choice has become to stay alone. Try to find my peace. Try to find my stabilizing agent.
They say your happiness has to come from within, from you. But for some reason I am unable to love myself. The love has always come from others and them I have lost and along with them their love as well. I was trying to hunt for love but I forgot love is given not asked for.
You came into my life completely unexpectedly. You reminded of things I was trying so hard to give up on. I thought you were a kid; I call you kid and here I am now longing to call you so many things. You know what we have is something else and you accept it but yet you run from us, from everything we have. I hope you don’t end up regretting your decision later on in your life. A part of me want you to regret, wants you to realize what you gave up on but then a part of me wishes you were just being nice to me and never meant the words you told me. I don’t want to accept either of them to be the truth.
I have never felt this strongly before or fought this hard for a person. I am the kind who lets go, moves on. Yet here I am wishing I could talk to you every night like we used to. We talked everyday for small period of time and yet here I am wishing it I was talking to you over writing this right now. I would travel back in time to fix but then I don’t know what to fix. It’s sad to loose something when you know you could be happy with. I can still see myself very happy with. I can see us. Together. Yet it feels like we are strangers now; we are where we began. Nowhere.
I would prefer a “I’m sorry, you are not who I thought you were” to this “You are great but I dun deserve you”. It is may be because I know it’s all crap and you just know I’m not the one you want to be with.
I do have a regret about us. I could not see myself with you initially so I avoided meeting you. What if I had met you? What if I went for when you invited me for lunch? What if i had gone to the movies with you? What if…That is all I’m left with right now. Filled with regret.
With regret, I also carry hope. Hope, that we’ll cross path again. I wish we are meant to be. May be, just not now.