I turned 22 this January, another reminder for me of the years laid wasted, not have achieved anything significant yet or am i still young for that i ask myself.
Birthday is that day i see people celebrating; why i don’t understand but still they spend it with people they love, care about, their family and friends. I spent that day like any other day, nothing special; I didn’t feel the need to announce it to the world either, if it did matter to anybody they would have remembered it but i guess i haven’t got anybody left around me who would remember, i never did let anybody stay, so expecting that would be stupid and i know that. Is there a part of me wishing i had some people left to make me feel special at times or make me feel like i mattered, i do, who wouldn’t. But at the end of the day it does all come down to how you feel about yourself more than what the rest of the world thinks of you. So i shut myself to the world because first i need to find comfort within, find comfort in this solitude and then i’d be able to survive and keep the hope alive. I know that is s lame reason but i find comfort here in solitude and then when i ready then i could go out to conquer the world. But that’s not all birthdays remind me.
As the time flies by, you get older with each day passing and new dreams come into life. You tell yourself you gotta do this and you gotta do that and you end up doing nothing. You tell yourself if not now then when and you don’t have an answer to that. Sometimes it feels like the time is up for you to live your dream even though they say its never too late you realize it is late sometimes; and there goes your dreams to be buried into the graveyard of life. With every birthday i just see the tomb stone filled yard of life and i wonder what is there to celebrate. Birthdays just remind me of the dead dreams i never got to live when i was supposed to, reminds me of all things i never got to have and now i’m just too old to have them, in another words the time has passed for alot of things and that cannot ever be recovered; they say you gotta be an optimist but being an optimist doesn’t include being delusional; I rather face the fact now than later then atleast sleep comes easy.
So that is how i do spend the day that marks the year gone by, just like any other day, the day i look at the tomb stones and remind myself the need to become stronger so that there wouldn’t be need to add more tomb stone to this already crowded graveyard of life.
It was three years ago I started that journey with a hope to live the dream; the dream that I loved was to save lives but I thought it was a better idea to abandon that dream for the sake of a lot of things. Here I am in 2011 started on a new journey but that I dream I left off still haunts me. I was watching ‘Grey’s anatomy’ today where this ‘acting’ doctor goes to the parents of the little girl to let them know their girl is safe. And all that was playing in my head was that I wanted to LIVE such a moment and I realized that was never going to happen. At that moment I felt was that sharp pain, tears swelled up in my eyes and all that I could tell myself was don’t let the tears fall. That white coat, that stethoscope around my neck, saving lives is nothing but a distant dream now, a dream that I need to let go of; a wish that will never come true. Well I’ve been saying that for a long time now but I know that regret I will always have, for not going for it. It was I who thought being practical was the important thing, may be it is but I let a part of me die with that decision, and that remorse is whats eating me inside out!
I see me running away from acknowledging the fact that i’m hurting and in turn I’m turning into this another person who has given up on himself. Sure I say a lot of inspiring stuffs to myself and others but that’s what it’s limited to ‘saying’, when it comes to acting the part I rather do nothing but sleep. In another words I’m just breathing, doing nothing but at the last moment when it becomes do or die situations. May be that’s because those moments are the only times when I feel alive, feel like I’m living and haven’t given up on myself. But in reality I see I have. I know if I don’t turn this around I’m doomed. I know but I don’t have any energy to fight this through, so I feel. That is where I’m stuck, at ‘I know’. When people are trying to inspire me telling me things I just end up with that ‘I know smirk’ I have and I put on a smile and say thank you because I want that, those inspiring words makes me feel like I mean something for a moment but in reality I know I’m nothing. This feeling its like I’ve lost my reasons and nothing else is coming even close the one I had which I don’t remember much about. Its funny isn’t it? I know i could be doing other stuffs i need to be doing right now instead of writing this but I don’t know why but I can’t seem to be able to gathering up the strength I need. Besides i feel like i need to let this out into the wide space out there and i know no one is hearing this either. It feels like I have nobody and nothing to look forward to, no one to pour myself out to, no one to hold onto. The ones I have is my family, feels like I’m nothing more that more than a load on their shoulder on top of all they have. I was born to be something else, I know, I have the clear image of that person I’m supposed to be but all I have ended up being is a disappointment. But I have never found an answer to ‘who do I want to be?’
Here I am ending this feeling, filling myself with a hope that some how I will be able to muster up the courage to do what I need to be doing, to be the person I’m supposed to be for this family, for myself. That’s all I have now a little bit of hope that I can come out of this; to rise out of the ashes of oneself with a new life like a phoenix. I can’t be a disappointment for ever. I look back in the days when the reality hadn’t hit me, I remember back in the third grade I had that spirit to take on the world, confident, courageous, scared of nothing, always giving the best to be the no.1 in the class, and now more than ever I need that. I once had it so I bet I can have that spirit again but the path to it is foggy but I need to have it to make it in this life. So here I am starting on a mission to change a lot of things and it’s going to be hard but then nothing is easy. I know I have done this before and ended up in circles, now I know this is it I can feel it this time. It’s now or never; so here it goes to a better me, a better life