“Oh my baby”

I hear them words in my head

I miss the love you made me feel

I miss not feeling alone

I don’t miss you

I miss not being the only one in the bed

I miss curling up with you

I miss your kisses

I don’t miss you

I miss your eyes looking at me

I miss your smile

I miss the songs u played

I don’t miss you

I heard them words again

I wish i didn’t miss you

The last letter

Dear lover,

This is my last letter to you, my dear dear lover boy. It would be nice if I could tell you all this in person but I am a coward and you know that.

Yesterday should have been avoided but I guess we are too late for that. I thought I was okay but I am not. How do I tell you I had to walk away because I could not watch you hurt and just settle for a witness. I was being selfish. But after a year here we are and you are not over anything you were going through. You are still hurting, you are broken and all I did was break your broken heart. All I did was make things worse for you. I made it worse for you. I was not able to save you but I didn’t know I had just helped to make things worse for you. I wish my apologies could save you, take away your pain. I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish I could go back and tried harder to help you. Tried harder to stay with you. I am but a mere mortal and incapable of turning back time.

Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. And I deserve nothing less.

I am going to try to slowly move out now. Since I can’t help you, because I will only remind you of all that you have lost. What hurts me is knowing that may be you were never in love with me. May be I never stopped being a distraction from your far-away lover. You still love him. May be you loved us both but I am nothing before your first love.

I never wanted love. I didn’t want what I thought we had. I don’t remember what we had, all we went thought in detail like you did. I had to save myself. All those memories, you did was to remind me to smile but I am not sure if I will be able to after yesterday.

You are my first like he is yours. So you shall remain in my heart. I wish I had a stronger heart. I wish we had never met.

All said and done, I am a mere human with the only choice to live with, to learn to smile thinking of the days that went by. To not repeat the mistakes I made with you with somebody else.

I hope you find your peace. You have been broken for too long.

Where am i at?

I walk fantasing about you, the unattainable. I never could keep who I already had, but it was never just my fault. This is a point in life where i see myself wanting a lot of things, i talk big and i’m nowhere close to where i want to be. I’m just somewhere. Will i get there? May be. Will i ever get you? No. Better stop now. Steer away from the unattainable. Do i have to?

Do you?

Do you still think of me? I do. I fibd myself trying to put the thought of you. I’ve shed enough tears for you but the thought of you still lingers, comes barging in from the back of my mind where I push you every time. If you read this you would probably swear at me, call me names and I know I screwed up. I remind myself that every now and then. You are better off without me. You have your journey to go off to, all I saw was becoming an obstacle. Too many questions. Too many doubts. You are free and so am I. But this feels like nothing because it is just that and I see it now.