Imaginary love

The idea of love has always given me a hope of finding peace and happiness in life. May be that is why I go searching for love even when I strongly feel love is not found by searching, but love will come looking for you. But this heart of mine is not patient, therefore I have become a victim of imaginary love.

I am different, not your average Joe but knowing this is feels like the biggest cruse when you need to hold you heart back of whom it desires, for love felt only by one and not reciprocated by another causes nothing but harm. But the saddest part is the other person not knowing the existence of the love. You don’t have the courage to confront this feeling and you settle for the imaginary love. The question I ask, must the other person know? Why can’t I be selfish and just take all the feeling this imaginary love can give me? The good feeling, the hurt, the sadness, everything. What is wrong in feeling all this. I will have to move on till then, let me drown myself in this imagined love. Something is better than nothing. And this thought has made a willing victim out of me.

via Daily Prompt: Imaginary

Hurting wishes

I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?

I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.

I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.

But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.

The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!

Losing again

Hold me or i am leaving

Because i am tired

Of your coldness

Of your indeference

Of your turned back

Of your forced few syllables

I don’t need them

You don’t need me

You don’t need the love i threw at you

You don’t need to know i care

You don’t need this shit

I won’t bother with this feeling now.

Because this is a shit i don’t need.

I won’t give you the warmth

I have very less to give away

You don’t want it anyway.

What hurts me, are holes in my heart

Thank you for another one

Thank for reminding me i am not worthy of love

But i am strong

See i am still standing

My heart is still alive

I am still alive

I have been hurt too many times

I have come out of it alive before

I will again.

But i still wish you would hold me

But i still wish you were happy

I wish you could see past your sadness

I wish i was not feeling this

Even when you said otherwise

I know my gut

I can hear it telling me for what it is

For it has been right too many times before

So farewell.

I will still be here

But i will stay away

Watching and wishing you the world.

Goodbye as i close my heart

For it needs to heal now

Gone with the wind

So I have fallen from your graces

So I don’t matter

Did  I ever?

What happened to the love that was thrown around?

Was it pretend?

It feels that way.

I thought it was real, guess it ain’t.

So i shall leave

So you don’t have to turn away anymore.

Love. All love. Lost. Gone with the wind.

All thats left is my bruised heart.

That will never trust again.

Back in solitude. Where it belongs.

Where it shall remain.

The last letter

Dear lover,

This is my last letter to you, my dear dear lover boy. It would be nice if I could tell you all this in person but I am a coward and you know that.

Yesterday should have been avoided but I guess we are too late for that. I thought I was okay but I am not. How do I tell you I had to walk away because I could not watch you hurt and just settle for a witness. I was being selfish. But after a year here we are and you are not over anything you were going through. You are still hurting, you are broken and all I did was break your broken heart. All I did was make things worse for you. I made it worse for you. I was not able to save you but I didn’t know I had just helped to make things worse for you. I wish my apologies could save you, take away your pain. I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish I could go back and tried harder to help you. Tried harder to stay with you. I am but a mere mortal and incapable of turning back time.

Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. And I deserve nothing less.

I am going to try to slowly move out now. Since I can’t help you, because I will only remind you of all that you have lost. What hurts me is knowing that may be you were never in love with me. May be I never stopped being a distraction from your far-away lover. You still love him. May be you loved us both but I am nothing before your first love.

I never wanted love. I didn’t want what I thought we had. I don’t remember what we had, all we went thought in detail like you did. I had to save myself. All those memories, you did was to remind me to smile but I am not sure if I will be able to after yesterday.

You are my first like he is yours. So you shall remain in my heart. I wish I had a stronger heart. I wish we had never met.

All said and done, I am a mere human with the only choice to live with, to learn to smile thinking of the days that went by. To not repeat the mistakes I made with you with somebody else.

I hope you find your peace. You have been broken for too long.