In a parallel universe…

I can feel your lips, may be because in some parallel universe I’m kissing you.

May be it’s my imagination but I want to believe it.

And I’m rooting for me in that universe who is living the dream.

Cheers to you another me!

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Moment of love

I could write endless love stories about you and me.

Every detailed moments.

Like how you would get on top of me,

Look me in the eye

Give me a peck in the lips

And roll on to the other side of bed

Search for my hand looking at the ceiling

Grasp my hand tight

Fingers intertwined.

In that fantasy, I could spend a life time.

Another lifetime, may be

My love to you will not be returned. You will have to keep it, treasure it, for this kinda pure love will be hard to find again. Once I am gone. I will be gone. For my own sake.

You are setting out to start a new journey, I want to be part of it, close to it. I want to be your guardian angel but you have been mine for some time. I run to you. How will I run away from you?

You are in love. You smile. You care for her. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. Sad that it is not me. Happy you are getting your life on track. You are seeing the bigger aspect of life. But I am not her. Can never be.

I feel the love you have for me, I know you do too. If this is my imagination, so be it. But we cannot become us. But I am happy with this friendship. I am at peace.

Maybe in the next life, our souls will be together, not separated by anything.

Breaking free

I love you. I want you. But that will never come into being reality.

We are not aligned to be together. I am gay and you are straight. But we are friends and our friendship is not going to be ruined because of this. Today I accept all of this. You still have my love and friendship. I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in your life. I want to see you smile and happy. And being with her is going to do that for you so I will be rooting for you and your happiness.

I feel broken because this heart loves to dream dreams and dwell there. It knows the reality but likes to live in the idea of what it wishes to be. Today writing this down, I am baring and burying this into the depths of the reality. Because I deserve to be happy in this reality as much as you do. Because I can’t remain broken hearted. It is what it is, and I am not going to be a victim of this reality. I am going to rise above this.

You are going to be happy.

I am going to be happy.

We are going to stay friends.

I will support you all the way in this life.

Cheers my friend.

This is love.

Strength in love

The suicidal thoughts are creeping back inside my head and they are stronger than before. Today I could actually picture myself jumping off the balcony from the third floor, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to jump. But it was not strong enough. I fear it might get stronger with time.

Today was a hard day, I’m just glad it is over. The day was filled with a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem. I was just fantasizing my death and then tell myself that is not what I want. It is true I do not like who I am right now in life, I want to live a better life but the easy thing is to give up and I probably would have if it was not just my mother and me. For all she has done for me and my siblings, she deserves better and not have to face her son’s death. It would break her down completely. So death is off the table. Every time I have thought of my death, it has been the thought of my mother that has brought me back to sanity. This is in my core, the truth is that I’m alive for her, to give her a better life than she has had. The fact is I won’t be able to do it with the way I am right now, a shy piece of shit. I need to break out of this shell. It is time for change. I thought I wanted to live for myself but in these times I find out, my actual will to live comes from the love I have for my mother. Everything else feels secondary now, my wants and desires. Now is the time I need to focus on me, to become who I need to be, to be able to be the best I can be for her. I know I can. Now in that lies the strength I need.