wondering about insignificance

There are whole other kinds of pains that I not know of; when I read about abuses done to them by the people they love, I wonder of the pain they feel. I ask myself in all of these kinds of pain does my pain become insignificant? I’ve seen pain in the eyes of people when they lose their loved ones to time or death, last goodbyes that were left unsaid, I wonder what kind of pain that leaves behind in people. I wonder if that kind of pain can even be compared to the pain I got in my head.
My pain is of loneliness, of feeling worthless, of not being good enough for the people around me, my pain is in my head, it a disease I’m afraid to acknowledge or accept out in the open. Accepting that out in the open doesn’t do any good either because looked upon by the world as a “damsel in distress”, which is not something I would want in on my book. So I put on my iron mask and tell myself that I’m a one man army who needs to fight my own fights and just get this life done. Sometimes when I hear myself talk like this life is a work that needs to get done and that is exactly what it has started to feel like because of my inability to see the bigger picture in life; I wonder if that is going to change and become something more. I wonder if I’ll ever become significant to people starting with my family. When I think of things I want out of life that is one thing that strikes the cord with me, BEING SIGNIFICANT. That’s the one thing I’m sure of that I need to make out of myself and my life, to take care of people I need to take care and rest take it as it comes. I guess I have given myself a motto in life, I wonder even if it can be called that, a motto.
May be someday I’m going to wake of and realize that I’ve become more than what I thought I would or could have become. May be I’ll become significant in ways I think is possible for me, insignificant cry baby who puts on an iron mask of a man.


Good Deeds, Selfish Intent

i dunno if i read it somewhere or i heard it from somebody but it is something i remind myself from time and again, it is to do something good every once in a while.

i travel in public transportation everyday and there are lots of times when there are no seats empty and then an old woman/man or a pregnant woman or woman carrying a tiny baby or a sick person gets in, what does a nice person do? gives up his seat for them. i do that but usually i wait for somebody else to be the nicer person and give up their seat. there are times when i ask myself why did i just do that, i could have been sitting comfortable instead i find myself standing up holding on and swaying when the driver hits the break. it was day before yesterday i gave my seat for a woman carry her toddler and i just got up and told her to take my seat and i had to stand up in the overcrowded bus all the way to the destination. i asked myself why did i do what i did, there were other people too who could have given up their seat and this time around i got an answer to that. i told myself to look at this as a good deed that i did for a woman having a hard time, that woman had a comfortable travel while i had the hard time but it was definitely less for me than it would have been for the lady along with her child. Instead of a comfortable travel i get to live knowing that i did a good deed and i get to feel good about myself. i get to tell myself and the world that i’m one of the gentlemen, and all of this makes giving up the seat worth it. that is sort of a selfish way to see this, is it not? i wonder if this is how the other people who are doing all whats good for people, who work for peace even if it means they have to give up on things in their lives feel,i wonder if they do it just because they get to feel good about themselves, well it does feel good, did boost up my pride and can definitely live with this. now next time i do something good i wont ask why, i’ll do it and just feel good about myself, its good for me and my pride especially when life just throw things at you that makes you feel miserable about yourself and where you are at your life.