I’m finally actually doing it, learning to be on my own becoming my own onemanarmy. It’s pretty simple when the people you expect to be there for you are not there for you, people for whom you do what you do for them don’t appreciate your work but I guess it’s my fault for expecting. So my mantra from now on is to not do more than I need to for anybody except those very few ones ofcourse.
I’m tired to feeling this feeling, this feeling I cannot exactly put into words but I just feel my heart ache. I might sound like I’m exaggerating but I’m not, there are just times when the tears just flow and this bloody heart aches. I dunno if I’m imagining that pain that ache or if it’s actually happening, but the fact remains I feel it. These days I’m not sure of anything that’s happening around me, dunno how I should feel or what I should do about it. So I see myself shutting down to the world. I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I find comfort here, comfort in this loneliness, in this solitude. At hard times I tell myself I’m okay, that everything is going to be okay. And I pretend to be okay, smile, laugh but I dunno if this pretending has made me into this another person or if this is me I wonder.
All I want to feel is happiness, a bit appreciated for my efforts for it to last long enough to hold on to that feeling, long enough to remember it so that when times gets hard I could just use that feeling to get by. I know nothing lasts for ever, so it would be very unrealistic of me to expect for anything to last or people to stay. That is one of the reasons I don’t want a relationship because I don’t think I’m ready to face being disappointment in another aspect of life. I don’t think I’d be able to take it more than I already have. I tell myself ‘my plate is full’ everytime a prospect comes along. I know I’m doing nothing but just pretending but the fact remains I’m nothing but a looser in life. I know I shouldn’t tell myself that and I’m trying very hard not to believe that but things happen and I’m left feeling like one big-time looser. So at any point of time when it feels like or I foresee a source of that feeling around me, I run the opposite way as fast as I can. I know running is a manly thing to do and if anyone asks I would have totally refused I would do that. But now I dun care what my actions make of me anymore or what people think of me. It’s me, my actions, my life so why the fuck should the world care! Why should I care that they think! But I wish it were that simple.
If I keep on going in this path, where will I end up? Who will I have become? And what would become of my life? I know I will be alone, become a failure and would have accomplished nothing in my life; so to basically put it I’d screw up my life. Now the main question comes in, am I strong enough to change my path now? I need to find myself, set my priorities, and live accordingly and accept things that come along and live with it. In the end this is my life and it’s my decision on how I decide to live it but one thing I know is I gotta do what fell on my shoulder before I even think of giving up. Take care of things and be free and when that happens I won’t bother to look back and just enjoy every day as it comes. That’s for the latter times but for now I gotta survive and do what needs to be done to get a life worth something and be someone I would be able to meet eyes with when I look into the mirror.
I’m one of those people who get frustrated very easily. I wish i was stronger, I wish i could be indifferent to everything around me; trying hard to study but my body doesn’t listen to me, my brain doesn’t want to remember what i need to, instead it just play all the things that puts me on edge, in a bad way, its like i’m against myself and im not being able to do anything about it, i dont even know what to do. people on ocassions like these (so i’ve heard) turn to family and friends; my family as much as i love them dearly, everyone has their own thing going on and we clash with one another alot laterly, as for my friends i’ve never had any friend/s with whom i’ve been able to talk without being scared of what they might think (one of reasons im so lonely). And so i find me by myself with some music playing loudly (if not writing or usually both) and at times singing along, and it helps.
I was watching this move Chloe and their sound track was by this band called Raised by the Swans, i just loved their song, you were once young. I could not relate to their lyrics but there was the certain emotion in their music in their voice that i instantly fell for them. Next thing i did checked out few songs in youtube then download their whole album. The Script, Lady Antebellum, Adele, Switchfoot, Coldplay, Avril,….I also listen to some songs of Korean artists (Jin Woon, 2AM, 2PM. Davichi) and some classic songs, i just love them. And all these songs have one thing in common, most of the time i cant relate to the lyrics of the songs but its how they make me feel; there is that pain, feeling of being lost, those feeling i cannot describe in words in their songs. And then I don’t feel alone, i know i’m not the only one going through what im going though and that gives me strength to move forward, to be patient, to not listen to my dark thoughts and gives me hope to keep trying, most of all they help me deal with myself and my life, they help me accept that im a onemanarmy and so are most of the people except few lucky ones. Music is just something i wont be able to live without, its something i can turn to when i dunno what, where i’m supposed to do, go. Music is a messiah for me.
What is life? This is a question with no particular answer. It is something different for each one of us, some call it a mystery, some a journey, I call it WAR, it’s a series of continuous battles.Every morning I wake up, I know a battle awaits, a battle with myself, with the world and the list goes on. There are just too many thing to fight with that winning doesn’t become your priority you just gotta survive every attack, what matters in the end is for you to still be breathing to fight another day. At times we find ourselves all worn and torn, and surrounded by the enemies and we don’t get to say “I gotta rest” or “can we do this tomorrow?”. And the worst would be when there’s nobody there to help you out, yea sure people might tell you there are gonna be there but they fail to keep their words, they are only human BUT we can’t stop we must go on as a…..One Man Army! May be life is a war meant to be fought alone (atleast that’s how it is for me, that’s how i see it). In this war we should always be ready for the worst that could happen in every situation but never forget to enjoy and LIVE the moments..for at the worst of times these moments is what gets you going and not give in and surrender in this war. Its not necessary to win every battle, what’s important is how you use what you learnt from all the battles to survive to win. In the long run how many battles you lost wont matter, what will matters is if you fought with all your might and never give up. You cannot tell yourself you can’t fight anymore, you just need to FIGHT!!
For me if I do that till the end I think when the angel of deaths comes I’ll go with a smile.