The closer you get to people, you get exposed to their cruel side, their dark side, their fucked-up side you did not think existed. You want to scream at them on top of your lungs, tell them to fuck off.
Fuck you! Fuck you asshole!
But then what’s the point? They are who they are, and I doubt people are going to change. It is you who has to adjust. You just saw them for who they can become, a part of them.
But the fault is my own. I trusted. I relied on them. I gave them everything. I gave them me, the unfiltered me. And in return, I expected honesty, understanding but instead, I got a slap on my face, I was left with the well-deserved turmoil inside which is eating me inside-out. I feel like this feeling is killing me from within. I blame me, that’s it!
As for them, I accept them for their goodness and their darkness, the whole, the Ying and the Yang.
Why are we complicated?
Why are we so emotional?
Do you know?
How would you?
You are busy killing yourself
You are your own biggest enemy.
You are lost in the happy ending that will not be
You are fight a fight you have already lost
You have been fighting alone
While he has been busy planning a future for himself.
I gave you my advice
I said throw him out
But I see you are still living in the lie
I don’t want to watch you kill yourself
You are heart broken
Your pack left you by yourself
I stayed as long as I could
I guess that was not enough
You have made your decision
You have shut me out
Now all I see is your dead face
For others you smile and you laugh
You pretend like I don’t exist
You think I haven’t noticed
When I asked
You said nothing
All I’m thinking about is why
Why are you doing this to yourself
Why am I so bothered by this
Why can’t I get you out of my mind
Why did I get shut out
When did you become this important.
I am sad
I want to help
But i’m cut in place hard to heal
How can I help you
When I can’t help myself
How can I give you everything
When I have nothing
Do you not understand?
Why the fuck are you so selfish?
There is no black and white. Everybody is a different shade of grey.
You came like a storm
Rained on me
The sky is clear now
But the night is still dark
And I am still alone.
Life is not a fairy tale. We are not prince and princess. Some people need a reality check to remind them. Some already know. Some never learn.
I turned 22 this January, another reminder for me of the years laid wasted, not have achieved anything significant yet or am i still young for that i ask myself.
Birthday is that day i see people celebrating; why i don’t understand but still they spend it with people they love, care about, their family and friends. I spent that day like any other day, nothing special; I didn’t feel the need to announce it to the world either, if it did matter to anybody they would have remembered it but i guess i haven’t got anybody left around me who would remember, i never did let anybody stay, so expecting that would be stupid and i know that. Is there a part of me wishing i had some people left to make me feel special at times or make me feel like i mattered, i do, who wouldn’t. But at the end of the day it does all come down to how you feel about yourself more than what the rest of the world thinks of you. So i shut myself to the world because first i need to find comfort within, find comfort in this solitude and then i’d be able to survive and keep the hope alive. I know that is s lame reason but i find comfort here in solitude and then when i ready then i could go out to conquer the world. But that’s not all birthdays remind me.
As the time flies by, you get older with each day passing and new dreams come into life. You tell yourself you gotta do this and you gotta do that and you end up doing nothing. You tell yourself if not now then when and you don’t have an answer to that. Sometimes it feels like the time is up for you to live your dream even though they say its never too late you realize it is late sometimes; and there goes your dreams to be buried into the graveyard of life. With every birthday i just see the tomb stone filled yard of life and i wonder what is there to celebrate. Birthdays just remind me of the dead dreams i never got to live when i was supposed to, reminds me of all things i never got to have and now i’m just too old to have them, in another words the time has passed for alot of things and that cannot ever be recovered; they say you gotta be an optimist but being an optimist doesn’t include being delusional; I rather face the fact now than later then atleast sleep comes easy.
So that is how i do spend the day that marks the year gone by, just like any other day, the day i look at the tomb stones and remind myself the need to become stronger so that there wouldn’t be need to add more tomb stone to this already crowded graveyard of life.
they tell you what they want out of you, they tell you who they want you to become but they always ask for more than you can give them as they want everything from you but here lies the sad humiliating part, even when you give your everything you never seem to match with the everything they want out of you.
i snaped at her today. i knew this was going to happen long before, i feel humiliated every moment the reality crashes to this dream i run into to keep myself under control, to keep myself sane. i want to match up to their version of everything but i don’t seem to be able to. did they expect too much out of me? or am i trying not hard enough? i’m putting all the energy i have but that ain’t enough and i don’t seem to able to find another source of energy. i’m actually running out of energy, dunno on my capability anymore. as i stand it feels like i only do that to fall back into the ground. when i lie on the ground these days i don’t feel that bad, the cold, hard ground is somewhat becoming comfortable. and that scares the shit out of me, i’m scared of everything, life itself.
i was pushed around, my fault was i didn’t make a stand, go with the flow i told myself and this is where that has gotten me into. i am allowed once in a while to let it out, aren’t i? but today i make a promise to my self this day that that will be the last time i was pushed around. its my life i have to make my decisions and my choices, i will do what i need to do, do my duties that fell on my head the day i was born but no more and i will do that my way and not anybody else’s way. i don’t live to please anybody nor will i run from my life. i will fight my wars, i will win the war even if I’ve lost most of the battles.