Loosing battle?

I smile. I am sarcastic. I am loud. I argue with people. I laugh. I think I am putting on a show for the world so they don’t see through my eyes and see the sadness.

I am hurting. There are days when i’m sad and tears just roll down. Times I am forced to hold them back, for I don’t want the world to see me break down.

I am consumed by sadness among many other feelings which is making me loose a bit of me slowly.

I am dying inside.

There are days when I can feel my heart ache. I thought it was just psychological until I read an article the other day, about how the emotions are just not psychological but physical as well. Could it be physical as well? What is going on with me? Am I going under? Is this depression? Is there a possibility that this might kill me?

I don’t want to die just yet! I am not done fighting for myself, my life!

End of me

There are many things that could be the end of me but the one i fear might become the end of me is the fear of rejection. In past few weeks i’ve felt it multiple of times from family, peers, friends, basically everybody. It hurts.

It’s time to go looking for peace to heal myself, find myself, accept myself, love myself. Peace.

Begin again

Life is a series of unexpected events. He was happy, he was content with himself and his life. Yes he didn’t have everything but he was okay with where he was. He was smiling and all it took was one question, “What now?” to shake the ground beneath his feet. He is now on the ground, he fell on his ass again. He was stabbed from the back by the people he trusted, people he stood up for, people he cared for and now he questions everything again. Another reality check from the part of his life he least expected, the part that gave him his smile. With his trust broken he wonders if he’ll ever find it again!

He cried and cried. He is sad. He is heartbroken. He is discouraged. He is demoralized.

He talked to all the people in his life  he could talk to about this slap on his face. He couldn’t stay this way. So he found himself a solution but is he okay? He is hurt. He is trying not to show. A solution doesn’t always means the solution. He smiles, he jokes but his heart hurts from all this pretending, from the betrayal. He questions the solution he found for himself. He questions his decision. He has nothing. He has lost again. He has lost himself again.

He has started again with a heavy heart. He is scared to loose again, he is scared of feeling the pain again, he doesn’t think he deserves this pain, not after he worked so hard for everything. Did he harm anybody? Is this karma coming back around?

He can start again. He will start again. He is strong. Stronger than he knows.

In a shell

Be it in life or death, I am alone and I know it, it’s one of those things you just know. And I weigh them both, in life there is everything, in death there is nothing and a question keeps nagging me ‘why choose life? Why choose everything when you can be at peace when there is nothing.’
Yet here I am breathing and living a life I despise in the name of responsibility that fell on my shoulder the day I was born or was it the day he died I’m not sure.
Yet here I am breathing and living being useless, being a failure, being a mistake. It like the strength have left me and little bit I have are being used to keep myself together because if dun do that I will be nothing.
Being nothing and having nothing are two different things; death takes away everything therefore you have nothing ,where as life is making me a nothing, all I have is a longing to be something.

Empty, hollow, cracked shell
taped together with everything left within
strength, hope, willpower
dreams to be filled with life and love
but knows that is impossible
coz there is nothing left here to love
may be new paint job?
even then who’d love a lifeless soul
left with anger, sadness and frustration
alone.