Melancholy state of mind

I had heard them describe their feeling with the word, Melancholy. To me, it was a fancy word back then, probably because I did not understand the word but I had looked up the meaning of the word then and forever imprinted in my head. I forget the meaning of the word every now and then but life reminds me.

Who knew I would use to word to use how I was feeling, but the current state of my emotion is best described as Melancholy. All of a sudden I get engulfed in sadness. A few minutes back I was laughing with my friends and then Poof! went away my joy replaced by the sadness, and the reason I see none. Nothing has happened to me, life is as is or even better. I’m happy, joyful most of the time. I have good friends. Life is better than I thought it would be but there I am sad.

Is it a person? an event? a moment? a thought? What is the trigger of this feeling?

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Enough reasons to Leave

Leave for yourself
Leave for peace
Leave for possibilities
Leave for your future
Leave to search for freedom

Leave, enough pain has been felt
Leave, before things get worse
Leave, this is killing you

Leave to live
Leave to smile
Leave because you deserve a better life
Leave for yourself
Leave for possibilities

Change is coming

I can feel the shift of energy in you and now my energy is changing as well. And it is breaking me down. My heart and my soul. And I am praying that this won’t reach my body. I can’t have that, for that is going to affect a lot of people which I don’t want. I want to live a detached life, away from everyone. Why am I like this? Why can’t I change? Why am I this fragile? Why? Do u know?

Existence wasted?

Today I want to not exist, if it was a choice but unfortunately it is not. So I breathe heavily, wishing it were my last. I stomp the earth as hard as I can like my anger would go away but it hasn’t. I am angry at everything. And at myself the most for the person I am, the disappointment I am. Things need to change about myself or I will be this sad forever, a pathetic sad soul, a waste of an existence.

What is next?

Born with the death of the father

Born in a family eaten by ego

Born an awkward child

Always felt out of place growing up

Bullied, made fun of, alone

Born with nature not considered natural

Gay, alone, frustrated

Hiding in the shadows

Always scared to be seen for his real self

Struggled with his identity

Lied to himself, lost himself

Found love

And lost it, for he was unable to sacrifice

His stance, his freedom to choose

Lost the only person who showed selfless love

Fell for someone who can’t lovd his back

Fell for someone who doesn’t know

Fell in a pitch dark hole

Trying to climb up

And life throws a curve ball

Lost a ball

Diagnosed with cancer

All plans asked to be rethought

Frustrated, on the ground again

Wants to run away

Wants to stop breathing

Wishes it was that easy

Wishes he was never born

Wishes he could take back his existence

But wishes don’t come true

Reality kills

Lives with the knife plunged into his heart

He is not dead yet

Only learning to live