Graveyard of dreams

I turned 22 this January, another reminder for me of the years laid wasted, not  have achieved anything significant yet or am i still young for that i ask myself.

Birthday is that day i see people celebrating; why i don’t understand but still they spend it with people they love, care about, their family and friends. I spent that day like any other day, nothing special; I didn’t feel the need to announce it to the world either, if it did matter to anybody they would have remembered it but i guess i haven’t got anybody left around me who would remember, i never did let anybody stay, so expecting that would be stupid and i know that. Is there a part of me wishing i had some people left to make me feel special at times or make me feel like i mattered, i do, who wouldn’t. But at the end of the day it does all come down to how you feel about yourself more than what the rest of the world thinks of you. So i shut myself to the world because first i need to find comfort within, find comfort in this solitude and then i’d be able to survive and keep the hope alive. I know that is s lame reason but i find comfort here in solitude and then when i ready then i could go out to conquer the world. But that’s not all birthdays remind me.

As the time flies by, you get older with each day passing and new dreams come into life. You tell yourself you gotta do this and you gotta do that and you end up doing nothing. You tell yourself if not now then when and you don’t have an answer to that. Sometimes it feels like the time is up for you to live your dream even though they say its never too late you realize it is late sometimes; and there goes your dreams to be buried into the graveyard of life. With every birthday i just see the tomb stone filled yard of life and i wonder what is there to celebrate. Birthdays just remind me of the dead dreams i never got to live when i was supposed to, reminds me of all things i never got to have and now i’m just too old to have them, in another words the time has passed for alot of things and that cannot ever be recovered; they say you gotta be an optimist but being an optimist doesn’t include being delusional; I rather face the fact now than later then atleast sleep comes easy.

So that is how i do spend the day that marks the year gone by, just like any other day, the day i look at the tomb stones and remind myself the need to become stronger so that there wouldn’t be need to add more tomb stone to this already crowded graveyard of life.

Putting thoughts together

I’m finally actually doing it, learning to be on my own becoming my own onemanarmy. It’s pretty simple when the people you expect to be there for you are not there for you, people for whom you do what you do for them don’t appreciate your work but I guess it’s my fault for expecting. So my mantra from now on is to not do more than I need to for anybody except those very few ones ofcourse.

I’m tired to feeling this feeling, this feeling I cannot exactly put into words but I just feel my heart ache. I might sound like I’m exaggerating but I’m not, there are just times when the tears just flow and this bloody heart aches. I dunno if I’m imagining that pain that ache or if it’s actually happening, but the fact remains I feel it. These days I’m not sure of anything that’s happening around me, dunno how I should feel or what I should do about it. So I see myself shutting down to the world. I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I find comfort here, comfort in this loneliness, in this solitude. At hard times I tell myself I’m okay, that everything is going to be okay. And I pretend to be okay, smile, laugh but I dunno if this pretending has made me into this another person or if this is me I wonder.

All I want to feel is happiness, a bit appreciated for my efforts for it to last long enough to hold on to that feeling, long enough to remember it so that when times gets hard I could just use that feeling to get by. I know nothing lasts for ever, so it would be very unrealistic of me to expect for anything to last or people to stay. That is one of the reasons I don’t want a relationship because I don’t think I’m ready to face being disappointment in another aspect of life. I don’t think I’d be able to take it more than I already have. I tell myself ‘my plate is full’ everytime a prospect comes along. I know I’m doing nothing but just pretending but the fact remains I’m nothing but a looser in life. I know I shouldn’t tell myself that and I’m trying very hard not to believe that but things happen and I’m left feeling like one big-time looser. So at any point of time when it feels like or I foresee a source of that feeling around me, I run the opposite way as fast as I can. I know running is a manly thing to do and if anyone asks I would have totally refused I would do that. But now I dun care what my actions make of me anymore or what people think of me. It’s me, my actions, my life so why the fuck should the world care! Why should I care that they think! But I wish it were that simple.

If I keep on going in this path, where will I end up? Who will I have become? And what would become of my life? I know I will be alone, become a failure and would have accomplished nothing in my life; so to basically put it I’d screw up my life. Now the main question comes in, am I strong enough to change my path now? I need to find myself, set my priorities, and live accordingly and accept things that come along and live with it. In the end this is my life and it’s my decision on how I decide to live it but one thing I know is I gotta do what fell on my shoulder before I even think of giving up. Take care of things and be free and when that happens I won’t bother to look back and just enjoy every day as it comes. That’s for the latter times but for now I gotta survive and do what needs to be done to get a life worth something and be someone I would be able to meet eyes with when I look into the mirror.

It’s New Year! doesn’t feel like it!!

It was a normal day for me, woke up late, got to college late; when i was about to start taking notes did i realize it was 31st December, the last day of 2012. That made me realize how out of space and time i had been lately. That brought a smirk on my face thinking about how fast a year had passed by. why is it always at the end do we realize the speed of time, how changes go un-noticed, how mistakes are realized when your time to make amends is up.

The 21st December, the day the world was supposed to end has passed and this was possibly the most talked about day. it was 2 years back i guess i was there talking to my friend the world can’t end because there are so much i want to do and need to do, that i’m just not ready to die yet. But there was a part of me that did hoped for the world to end as that would mean end of everything, that would have meant no more disappointing anybody or being disappointed by anybody either, that would have meant no more of hopes dying out or trying so hard not to let that last light of hope from burning out but i guess i’ll just have to wait and see as its already 2013 now.

This is a lonely world, atleast it is for me anyway you look at it. I adapt myself to my surrounding and try be happy and most times i am, atleast seem that way. But i’m not truly happy, there is still that darkness in my heart and soul that brings me to reality, that stops me from getting carried away. I usually am at ease but then i notice these small things or some big things and there i’m back again at that corner of me that i tell myself i’m going to lock way and never come back to. I want to say it out loud how lonely i am, at times i’m able to push that way but when i’m living a life that keeps reminding how lonely i am there is just no point wasting that energy pushing that feeling away. I got nobody to blame but me and the way i am.

So its new year people are probably in a celebratory mood, probably spent the last night counting down the last 10 seconds and clinking glasses and wishing everybody a happy new year. I was also doing the wishing part but wasn’t feeling it. I never feel like celebrating be it a new year or my birthday. Do i want to? of course i do, i want to be around people i love and cherish but i wonder if there is anybody.

I started this post thinking i would write about what i will be doing this year and all the great stuff, the positive stuffs but i honestly dunno how more positive can i possibly be. i have pushed my worries, my thoughts so deep inside of me that at times i barely find myself thinking, i just act the way i’m supposed to, the way it is appropriate. and there are moments when things just explode out of you, you just find tears flow down your cheek and wonder why.

I think its time to focus on just myself, on what is important with hope everything else just comes into place itself.
this year is going to be about being happy with myself,with who i am, accepting what i know for sure, not focusing on finding the answers that has just wasted my time in the past and finding solutions to the problems and not being afraid. But when you don’t have your ground to stand on the fear comes along automatically. And one thing for sure is that im not going to be looking for anybody anymore, i got myself and need to feel okay with that and not want to much off the world coz i got nothing to give to world right now. may be later when i have something to give will i ask for something out of this world, this life, till them i can get as lonely as i want and be happy there and just focus on myself and focus on building somewhat of a solid ground to stand on my own. that is exactly what my next couple of years is going to be about.

 

 

 

 

a piece of my mind..if u dare :/

every time i just set me free, no thoughts to bound me, no place that can hold me and yet i always end up going back to that same place, i honestly don’t know why, it’s like there is some kinda unfinished business or may be the person i am is not ready for the world or may be i’m not happy with who i am, who i’m turning out to be and don’t want the world to see. i just don’t know.
there has been times i felt myself so close to things that i’ve always wanted or so i thought i wanted them, as soon as it becomes reachable, it becomes not what i want. i just wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. is my brain screwing with me? that makes me one screwed up guy, how screwed up am i?
these are the times i feel like a wimp, a weakling and feels like i’m living a punishment and i’m not taking that one step that could makes all the difference for the better or worse.
if u didn’t get any of the above its me to blame. let me explain it the other way. i’m a guy with very few friends and i haven’t really been in touch with them. its like i’m shutting them out of my life. why? i don’t know, may be they are not worthy of have a friend like me; HA! HA! to that, or may be i’m not worthy. the more i think about it, the more things go into direction i don’t want to go in. may i should i just study some psychology books or something, i just want to understand what is going on within me. i wont’t be able to go to a psychiatrist,there are just list of things as to why but the important one being, i just won’t. this is my problem that i gotta figure out for myself, i’m pretty sure all of us have those things that we want to do it ourselves and not without anybody else’s help. and i’m being very pig headed on this things solving on my own. there have been times I’ve been this close to telling people who somewhat understand me, who listen to me every little bit of things going through my head, every single one of them but I’ve always been able to not do so, doesn’t matter how drunk i was or how emotional. i dunno if i should take that trait of my characteristic to be good or bad and that is another of those things i just don’t know. more importantly why the hell am i so scared of their reaction? of them taking me to be some fucked up shithead, i’ve never been a people-pleaser but they feel important, not worth the risk loosing, its not wrong to not let yourself completely open to them wrong is it?
alot of sentences, things have started to end with ‘i just don’t know’ and that scares me and alot of things has started to scare me as well. too many question, no answers and lesser time to figure out. hanging by a string to going mad ain’t pleasant.
i’m not worried about tomorrow, what worries me is today, now. i’m holding onto my pride for scare of loosing very little i have in life. now the question is, this very little i have is it worth it? will holding onto this pride be the death of me or may be not, only time will tell.

Where i stand

I was talking to one of my good friends after long time, he asked me “what is bothering you?”. I’ve been thinking about what i told him, I gave him a very vague answer; I told him “life is”. I said future scares me, what it’ll be like with the present being how it is; these are all true. And now I’ve asking myself the same question and the answer i hear is ME.

I tend to look at the people around me and compare myself to them, i know its not healthy but its an automatic thing i do. They are what defines NORMAL, me, I’m far from what they are, how they are, I’m far from being a Normal guy. I’d give anything to be like them, become one of them but the fact remains I’m not. I could pretend, its a choice I’m not going to take. I’ve grown up from what i used to be like, I’ve become acceptable in this society so much so that they can’t spot the difference but I know how it actually is. Its like i could be standing in the crowd but I’m always going to find myself ALONE. Sure i try to be tough about it, tell others and myself I’ve become comfortable in my solitude but its like my friend told me, I’ve just learnt to fool my heart. I call myself ONEMANARMY but forever being alone scares me. It scares me that I’ll loose my chance to be happy, be contend with life and truly LIVE. That I don’t have right now and not being able to have in the future is what I’m afraid of.

My friend tells me I’m ruining my present thinking about the future and he’s right, i know that. I’m just hoping that I’ll be able to put these thoughts behind me and focus on the PRESENT. I’ll have to do this for my sanity as there is a lot on the line that i cannot afford to loose. I’ve known this for a long time and yet here i am reminding myself. Past has gone, future yet remains unknown; at best i can only guess but i got this present and that’s all i got.

I’ll keep going, keep fighting myself, the world, my life; in the end I’ll make my life how i want it to be or die trying. Never give up, Never stop trying, that’s how i intend to live my life doesn’t matter what happens I’ll always come out of my weakest points of life and stand strong. And there is no other option to that.

Just a Wish

Doesn’t matter how much u are comfortable in solitude, there are gonna be times u wish u weren’t alone, when u could use someone by ur side. There are gonna be times when u want to be the who gets asked if ur okay and not just u being there for ur people; u want someone to be there, just one. Is it too much to ask? I want people in my life who would be okay with my silence yet be there for me when i fall if not hold me before i do, atleast to help me get back up.

I’ll always keep a smile on my face in front of my friends, i’m always gonna say im okay, always but at times i just would like somebody to see through it and say even if ur not u are going to be. But it seems that is not going to happen, im all on my own.

In Solitude!

“Is it wrong to want to be alone?” I was asking myself as I was returning after giving my exam, which I screwed up like the rest of them. A part of me told me “yea it’s completely fucked up that u want to be alone, u prefer solitude even though u don’t want it and u love to complain of the life that u live” which is completely true. That thought kind of made me feel normal the fact that I don’t want to be alone.

There I was with music in my ears watching the people and vehicles pass by. It got me thinking like them a lot of people came and went from my life and no one stayed and it got me thinking why? I could guess a million reasons but the fact be told I didn’t know why! I’m clueless as to why I can’t seem to hold onto anyone, its not like I wanted them not in my life. May be it’s because of how I am; think I’m just not a people person. It’s not that I can’t get along with people I can, I can pretty much adapt to any kind of group of people; I think so. But I’ve never been able to have that close friendship with anybody, okay just 2 people in 20 years but even them don’t know me completely; nobody knows the ‘complete’ me, heck at times I feel like I’m a mystery to myself; I don’t know who I am what I want out of my life. And that feeling sucks. On top of that there is that guilt that kills me when I lose people. What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t want to, I’m not able to open up to anyone; I’m an introvert but I don’t know of which kind, are there even kinds of introverts? I’m still waiting for that person who will be able to get me to come out of this box I’ve put myself in, where the heck are you? I can’t wait to get of this box but will I actually be able to cut myself open completely? That I don’t know. I guess only time can tell.

I’m living with a mantra ‘Be good to everybody regardless of how u feel inside and don’t forget to keep a smile’ and that helps me to cover everything; it’s like a mask I put on every morning when I wake up till the day ends. When I’m in front of the mirror I can see through the mask and I feel sorry for myself. At times I wonder if I’ve actually been able to fool people; if no one actually can see through that mask of mine, and the thought that they might scares the hell outta me. I don’t want to loose that mask, I don’t  want people to see through it and there is no reason for it. I know that is the reason I feel alone and I’m completely comfortable being alone now. That leaves me with a question “will life be like this forever?”.