Father’s son

He was “the man” they say. He took care of everyone he cared about. He was a great father, a great husband and family meant a lot for him. He was there for them even if it meant he had to go an extra mile to be there. Yea he was not perfect; he was not exactly a great son to his parents, he had his reasons. That said, from what I could gather of him, he was a great human being and a great friend too. But of course I didn’t get to know him; he didn’t get to see his son grow either; I am told he was the happiest man the day I was born. And here I am, his son, who is nothing like he was. And I wonder if I will ever be someone who the world loves dearly, someone who was very strong and did everything in his power for his family and his friends.

There are times when I consume myself thinking about what it might have been like if he was still here. If 20 years back he hadn’t left town for work and had stayed with his a month old son and his wife and his daughters; if that accident hadn’t happened. May be life would have been great, I’d be part of one of the happiest family on earth and I would have been the person I was supposed to be. May be, may be not but one thing I know is I’d have known a great father. So it feels like there is this big blank space in me which can’t be filled and I will forever be incomplete. And it sucks to feel this feeling but hey I don’t have a switch to turn that off so I live with it everyday. But I’ve come to know he didn’t have it in his “fate” to get to know his son, so it would have been me if it wasn’t him then. And I think it would have been better if it was me at least my mother and sisters would have known a life they deserve, a great one with him. If I were given to make one wish just one that would be it, be it me instead of him; Atleast that big shoes wouldn’t be empty right now. But the reality is the one I’m living in and that is not changing anytime soon or ever so it me who has to change for better.

So I live knowing I’m supposed to fill that space he left behind in my family, be the backbone, the source of strength which I know he is still a part of for my mother besides us to be as strong as she is. Even though he is not here he lives through the people for who he meant a lot. And through them I have his picture painted up in my head, my inspiration, and my goal to be who he was and may be even better but of course in my own way. And here I am, when I see myself failing as im trying to do so, I breakdown; I live knowing I am at the moment nothing but a disappointment to a lot of people. Its like I’ve lost my path and every morning I wake up I want to go right back to sleep, all I think about is all that I don’t have that I want to have and all that I’m supposed to do and be, is what I’m not and it feels like doesn’t matter how hard I try its not enough but one thing I know is I can do better, give my best.

What am I supposed to do in life? I’ve asked myself this question thousands of times I think I’ve finally found my answers. May be I’ve found meaning for my life, reason to wake up every morning and not want to go back to sleep. It’s going to be a challenge but I know what I need to do now and I need to start now, shape up. It’s now or never. I am his son, I have it in my blood to be a strong person and will live upto be the person I’m supposed to be even if it means I have to go those extra miles to get there. I believe that and I will get there.

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Death Note

 I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I’m not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I’ve always wanted things I haven’t been able to have, be it my hopeless aim, dream I couldn’t live, love I could never have; I’ve just lost quite a bit, not a lot, I have lived for only twenty years now, I couldn’t possibly have lost a lot now would I? I don’t even know how many would be considered a lot. I know I just wanted things I thought I could have when I didn’t know where my limits were; i didn’t even know there were limits. It’s like it says in the song ‘I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?’; I had completely undermined things, I’d taken myself to be a prince and thought everything would be served to me on a silver platter, man was I wrong! The reality hit me, it hit me hard and I haven’t been able to get up. Sure I’m crawling and I’ve been trying to get up, putting up that fake smile for the people in my world to see. I look at myself in the morning, washing my face, I smile to see if it’s believable. I don’t want to be taken as a weakling, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone but that all I’ve been, a burden. I want to be strong enough to pick myself up and walk again but at times I want somebody to hold on to, somebody to pick me up, to tell me “you’ll be fine” coz I’m definitely tired of hearing myself say that. I am tired of being alone but I not sure who I’d want there beside me or even who would want to be there and I laugh and I wonder if I’m mentally stable, with a smirk on my face.

There have been times where I’ve put a knife close to heart just a bit of courage away from plunging it in and just getting away from everything forever is very seductive. Then I’d think it would be too messy for my mothers (one mother and two sisters) to witness, and I’d end up laughing with eyes filled with tears. I’d remind myself that I’m not a coward to end my life this soon or this way. I’d remind myself that I’d die after I prove myself that I’m not as weak as I think I am or I’d just find something to give me that one ray of hope to get up and put that knife away. I could think of less messy ways to kill myself, I do watch a lot of movies and I do have a bit of brain, gives me lots of ideas. I can even think clearly what exactly I’d want say to each and every person who have made impact on my life for my last goodbye. It could be a thank you for friends for asking me “wass up?” or “r u okay?” (and I’d always be lying, saying “I’m okay” ) or for talking to me and making me forget everything and just reminding me I’m not the only one in the shits of life and that I need to be strong. Or threatening my brother in laws to take care of my sisters and that I’ll be watching and haunt them if they hurt my sisters (and that would be the most brotherly thing I would have ever done for them) or saying “sorry I’m not strong enough but know that I love u all” (and it would be the first time I’d ever tell them that and sadly the last).

So here I am feeling sorry for myself, for everything and for being the person I am. Its like doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. It’s either at the wrong moment, wrong way of how and when I do things; I’m not a good enough son, not a good enough brother, not a good enough friend, not man enough, for me everything seems to end with ‘not enough’. I know the easiest thing to do would be to just give up and just fade away into the air, earth, where ever I’m supposed to fade away into. But I wanna right the wrong, prove myself and then peacefully fade away, may be that’s why I’m holding on to this string of hope which seems to be strong for me to be able to live to write this and send it into the space (that’s this blog).

I live another day in the hope that in this life time I would be able to do what I’m supposed to and that I’d find my way out of this maze I’m in and hopefully smile for real and some day be the one whom my people can lean on; then I’d have lived and not just have breathed all the way through my life.