There is no black and white. Everybody is a different shade of grey.
It was a normal day for me, woke up late, got to college late; when i was about to start taking notes did i realize it was 31st December, the last day of 2012. That made me realize how out of space and time i had been lately. That brought a smirk on my face thinking about how fast a year had passed by. why is it always at the end do we realize the speed of time, how changes go un-noticed, how mistakes are realized when your time to make amends is up.
The 21st December, the day the world was supposed to end has passed and this was possibly the most talked about day. it was 2 years back i guess i was there talking to my friend the world can’t end because there are so much i want to do and need to do, that i’m just not ready to die yet. But there was a part of me that did hoped for the world to end as that would mean end of everything, that would have meant no more disappointing anybody or being disappointed by anybody either, that would have meant no more of hopes dying out or trying so hard not to let that last light of hope from burning out but i guess i’ll just have to wait and see as its already 2013 now.
This is a lonely world, atleast it is for me anyway you look at it. I adapt myself to my surrounding and try be happy and most times i am, atleast seem that way. But i’m not truly happy, there is still that darkness in my heart and soul that brings me to reality, that stops me from getting carried away. I usually am at ease but then i notice these small things or some big things and there i’m back again at that corner of me that i tell myself i’m going to lock way and never come back to. I want to say it out loud how lonely i am, at times i’m able to push that way but when i’m living a life that keeps reminding how lonely i am there is just no point wasting that energy pushing that feeling away. I got nobody to blame but me and the way i am.
So its new year people are probably in a celebratory mood, probably spent the last night counting down the last 10 seconds and clinking glasses and wishing everybody a happy new year. I was also doing the wishing part but wasn’t feeling it. I never feel like celebrating be it a new year or my birthday. Do i want to? of course i do, i want to be around people i love and cherish but i wonder if there is anybody.
I started this post thinking i would write about what i will be doing this year and all the great stuff, the positive stuffs but i honestly dunno how more positive can i possibly be. i have pushed my worries, my thoughts so deep inside of me that at times i barely find myself thinking, i just act the way i’m supposed to, the way it is appropriate. and there are moments when things just explode out of you, you just find tears flow down your cheek and wonder why.
I think its time to focus on just myself, on what is important with hope everything else just comes into place itself.
this year is going to be about being happy with myself,with who i am, accepting what i know for sure, not focusing on finding the answers that has just wasted my time in the past and finding solutions to the problems and not being afraid. But when you don’t have your ground to stand on the fear comes along automatically. And one thing for sure is that im not going to be looking for anybody anymore, i got myself and need to feel okay with that and not want to much off the world coz i got nothing to give to world right now. may be later when i have something to give will i ask for something out of this world, this life, till them i can get as lonely as i want and be happy there and just focus on myself and focus on building somewhat of a solid ground to stand on my own. that is exactly what my next couple of years is going to be about.
i was not afraid to die
i was afraid of the emptiness i felt inside
i couldnt feel anything, that’s what scared me
it came into my thought and it filled then it felt good
“Is it wrong to want to be alone?” I was asking myself as I was returning after giving my exam, which I screwed up like the rest of them. A part of me told me “yea it’s completely fucked up that u want to be alone, u prefer solitude even though u don’t want it and u love to complain of the life that u live” which is completely true. That thought kind of made me feel normal the fact that I don’t want to be alone.
There I was with music in my ears watching the people and vehicles pass by. It got me thinking like them a lot of people came and went from my life and no one stayed and it got me thinking why? I could guess a million reasons but the fact be told I didn’t know why! I’m clueless as to why I can’t seem to hold onto anyone, its not like I wanted them not in my life. May be it’s because of how I am; think I’m just not a people person. It’s not that I can’t get along with people I can, I can pretty much adapt to any kind of group of people; I think so. But I’ve never been able to have that close friendship with anybody, okay just 2 people in 20 years but even them don’t know me completely; nobody knows the ‘complete’ me, heck at times I feel like I’m a mystery to myself; I don’t know who I am what I want out of my life. And that feeling sucks. On top of that there is that guilt that kills me when I lose people. What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t want to, I’m not able to open up to anyone; I’m an introvert but I don’t know of which kind, are there even kinds of introverts? I’m still waiting for that person who will be able to get me to come out of this box I’ve put myself in, where the heck are you? I can’t wait to get of this box but will I actually be able to cut myself open completely? That I don’t know. I guess only time can tell.
I’m living with a mantra ‘Be good to everybody regardless of how u feel inside and don’t forget to keep a smile’ and that helps me to cover everything; it’s like a mask I put on every morning when I wake up till the day ends. When I’m in front of the mirror I can see through the mask and I feel sorry for myself. At times I wonder if I’ve actually been able to fool people; if no one actually can see through that mask of mine, and the thought that they might scares the hell outta me. I don’t want to loose that mask, I don’t want people to see through it and there is no reason for it. I know that is the reason I feel alone and I’m completely comfortable being alone now. That leaves me with a question “will life be like this forever?”.