Too many voices

Has it happened to you? All you can hear are others voices in your head. Your mind is crowded. And you are desperately looking for your own voice. Your own thoughts seems to be lost.

I am trying to find my own thoughts! My own voice! My own!

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Not Today

If I had cared for what people thought of me, talked about me in front of me or behind my back I would have never survived high school, that is a fact I know but I did survive and doesn’t matter what they throw at me I know I will survive and I will fight, therefore I’m a survivor and a ‘onemanarmy’.

I dun remember what age I was but I used to wonder if eating body lotion would kill me, come to of think of it, that’s very disturbing. But this subject of killing myself has always been in my head for a long time, not that I’m proud of that thought or anything but it feels like I’ve always been looking for a reason to look forward in life, to just live. It feels like, a line I quote from the series game of thrones “death is a god to whom you say, not today”. That is what I’ve been doing for a long time, trying my very best to keep that thought away but now that I’ve found myself a reason to live a little it is easier to keep the thought of death away.

So this is what I’ve learnt, if you find it hard to breathe, to live find yourself a reason, a reason you cannot run from, may be you can look at it like a leash what binds you with life and hope with the days passing you find more reasons to live. Live free, live hard and breathe some life into your life and yourself; and keep saying not today to death, because you are yet to live, live till you can greet death like an friend but till that day push the thought of death far far away from your head, from your life.

 

Zeal–less

Every day I find it harder to get out of bed. I find myself not looking forward to anything, nothing seems to excite me anymore. Wake up and get through the day with the help of music, come back, do stuffs, sleep and do that the next day and the next day. And it makes me wonder if this is all there will ever be. I wonder if zeal of life will ever be there in my days ahead. I wonder if life will ever be like it used to when I was a kid,  I wanna go back to that way of thinking, that way of a kid who knew nothing.