The suicidal thoughts are creeping back inside my head and they are stronger than before. Today I could actually picture myself jumping off the balcony from the third floor, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to jump. But it was not strong enough. I fear it might get stronger with time.
Today was a hard day, I’m just glad it is over. The day was filled with a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem. I was just fantasizing my death and then tell myself that is not what I want. It is true I do not like who I am right now in life, I want to live a better life but the easy thing is to give up and I probably would have if it was not just my mother and me. For all she has done for me and my siblings, she deserves better and not have to face her son’s death. It would break her down completely. So death is off the table. Every time I have thought of my death, it has been the thought of my mother that has brought me back to sanity. This is in my core, the truth is that I’m alive for her, to give her a better life than she has had. The fact is I won’t be able to do it with the way I am right now, a shy piece of shit. I need to break out of this shell. It is time for change. I thought I wanted to live for myself but in these times I find out, my actual will to live comes from the love I have for my mother. Everything else feels secondary now, my wants and desires. Now is the time I need to focus on me, to become who I need to be, to be able to be the best I can be for her. I know I can. Now in that lies the strength I need.
Has it happened to you? All you can hear are others voices in your head. Your mind is crowded. And you are desperately looking for your own voice. Your own thoughts seems to be lost.
I am trying to find my own thoughts! My own voice! My own!
If I had cared for what people thought of me, talked about me in front of me or behind my back I would have never survived high school, that is a fact I know but I did survive and doesn’t matter what they throw at me I know I will survive and I will fight, therefore I’m a survivor and a ‘onemanarmy’.
I dun remember what age I was but I used to wonder if eating body lotion would kill me, come to of think of it, that’s very disturbing. But this subject of killing myself has always been in my head for a long time, not that I’m proud of that thought or anything but it feels like I’ve always been looking for a reason to look forward in life, to just live. It feels like, a line I quote from the series game of thrones “death is a god to whom you say, not today”. That is what I’ve been doing for a long time, trying my very best to keep that thought away but now that I’ve found myself a reason to live a little it is easier to keep the thought of death away.
So this is what I’ve learnt, if you find it hard to breathe, to live find yourself a reason, a reason you cannot run from, may be you can look at it like a leash what binds you with life and hope with the days passing you find more reasons to live. Live free, live hard and breathe some life into your life and yourself; and keep saying not today to death, because you are yet to live, live till you can greet death like an friend but till that day push the thought of death far far away from your head, from your life.
Every day I find it harder to get out of bed. I find myself not looking forward to anything, nothing seems to excite me anymore. Wake up and get through the day with the help of music, come back, do stuffs, sleep and do that the next day and the next day. And it makes me wonder if this is all there will ever be. I wonder if zeal of life will ever be there in my days ahead. I wonder if life will ever be like it used to when I was a kid, I wanna go back to that way of thinking, that way of a kid who knew nothing.