Hurting wishes

I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?

I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.

I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.

But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.

The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!

Rumors… may be

I hear rumors flying around about you. Makes me question if I was living a lie. I thought you could come to me and talk to me.

We were not meant for one another.
It’s funny how I went from I want you in my life to this.

Now I want to leave you to figure it out for yourself. You were already doing that. But now I’ve stopped wishing you’d told me, spoke your mind and heart out. May be you tried and I just wasn’t there. More the reason to believe that the universe wanting us to go separate ways.

May be this is what I’m tell myself now to put my guilt away.
May be I’m being selfish.
May be it is the true.
May be this is all a complete lie.

April 6th

I hate to feel helpless and i dunno how to get rid of this feeling. Its a question i dun have an answer to, what the hell am i supposed to do, who the hell am i supposed to be. Dunno how to do it even if i had the answers to the what’s and who.
I find myself in the corner, my frustration trying to burst out and I’m barely holding up. I feel sorry for my incompetence and my worthlessness and for people who suffer because of me. Would give anything to get rid of all of this, if i could erase myself from existence i would but thats not possible and thinking about it isn’t exactly going to solve anything. I only wish it would though.
I know that I haven’t exactly lived or seen much of life but it feels like I’ve had enough. Wish i could just say i quit but then what?… I hate these what who and how’s, they always trouble me, make me think about shits i dun wanna be thinking about but i know it’s not just me and it might sound fucked up but that actually helps to a certain level to tell myself if they can so can i!