I let myself fall for you and I let you fall for me. Now that you are not around I don’t know what I am supposed to do with this feeling. How am I supposed to deal with this? I hate this feeling, this desperation for your touch, this feeling to want to hold you so bad. I’m trying to find ways to not feel this feeling, to not be desperate for you, to not depend on you to make me feel good about myself and this life. I was this person who wanted to avoid all of this dependency and yet here I am longing for you. I know this time you won’t come like the last time you did, I wonder if you even remember that? I do. May be that was the time I fell for you hard, may you shouldn’t have come back then, but you did.
I was never the one to believe in this thing called love but now that I’ve felt it, I believe in love and call myself lucky. I used to wondered what love is and what all the fuss is about. I wasn’t able to describe love then because I hadn’t felt it. I didn’t know love. Now that I have been in love (may be I still am), I still can’t put it into words. I don’t know why but I am going to try to find words. I don’t like to depend on others for anything let alone depend on one person to make me feel good about everything but love is that thing that makes you depend on this person. And this level of dependency just increases and that is love. Love depends on you growing into one another and you love every second of this new found togetherness. You find this world of we, where you are a better you and you feel better about life and makes you feel like you can do anything, go through anything and everything. That’s the power in we, that’s the power you feel being in love. Love makes you strong. But when things go wrong and they do every now and again to test your love. It is not something that is easy to deal with. And now I understand what I didn’t then.
Love is a strong thing; a powerful feeling that could takes you to the moon and back. But it’s not perfect, just like us; it’s fragile and needs to be cared for. Imagine love to be this beautiful heart made out of glass, it reflects the best you and a beautiful life. When you fail to look after your the heart, the glass cracks. When there are enough cracks, pieces of it fall out and these pieces don’t just disappear, they fall into you, they cut you deep and with you it shall forever remain within. The scar of love is deep and like no other. They take you back to the memories of us, of the world you found in love, in togetherness with that one person, that beautiful world. You miss being there, that powerful togetherness which overshadows all the pain. You miss the person, the strength you felt. You miss the entirety of love.
There is no going back after you have felt this thing called love. Love is complicated. It is not just one feeling, it is many feelings which can’t be described. It’s not about I or you, it’s about we and the world you see from there together. And it’s beautiful.
Words don’t come easy, there – yet not there
it’s like your shadow, you see it out in the light but in the dark you can’t find it
but it’s still there, it never leaves you alone.
It’s like drops of water leaking out of a broken tap
it comes, just drops after drops,
never fills a pot,
never quenches your thirst.
That’s how words come, and you grow tired.
Yet you collect every drop
Coz those drops are precious
those drops are like tears of the phoenix,
heals away your wound but the scars do remain.
Pain goes away but you still remember how that felt.
The power in words is something to reckon with.
Gives you strength when you got none
Gives you hope when hopes run out
it moves you to move mountains
what you thought impossible becomes possible
that’s how words come.
I have heard a lot of great saying that have come from celebrities and i heard one today from one Matt Meringue, a masterchef australia judge and it goes like this
If you are going through hell, keep going coz you’ll be surprized at what you can achieve.
There have been many words spoken that have moved masses. Words are great indeed, can make people do things they wouldn’t have had been able to do if not for those words. There was something Oprah Winfrey said that sort of started a revolution in me, or you could even call it a evolution but it has helped me a lot at hard times. I don’t remember the exact words but the gist of it was that we need to love ourselves, embrace who we are then only can we expect from others to love and respect us. It has to begin from within ourselves.
I talk big and when it comes to actually doing it, i screw up. It’s been like moving in circles and I’m tired. I’ve been tired for a long time and may it is one of the reasons it has started to become that much easier to just give up, just do nothing would the more appropriate way to put it but then they are both the same thing just different words, aren’t they?
I didn’t even try today, just told myself i can’t do this and walked away. i told myself i just gotta try harder next time but is that actually going to happen or am i just gonna tell myself what i told myself today again? i should know the answer to that, shouldn’t i? But here is the fact i don’t. I’m not afraid to accept that, what scares me is that these things are going to stop affecting me that I’ll stop fighting my war, because to give up is just becoming more tempting than fighting this never ending war. I’m scared that I’ll just settle for nothing rather than actually working my ass off for something i need, whether i want it or not is not the question i can afford to ask myself again and again. That is only going to remind me of what i didn’t go for, did’t do, what i may be could have had but this is what i got and I’ve got to accept that then why am i not being able to do that?
I look at some of my friends, i see them working, really working for things they want and i look at myself just sleeping my ass off. It’s like i am my own biggest baddest enemy but now the question comes how do you save yourself from yourself? Here i am filled with questions in the middle of a battle but may be I’m weak I’m not scared or ashamed to accept that but i will have to just keep on going.