Why am I running after ghosts? People I wish were with me. Feelings I wish existed. Realities I dream of. Why am I causing my own unhappiness and expecting others to take care of it! Why am I expecting so much from outside when I know this is something that needs to be addressed from inside. Why I chasing after what is not there? Why?
My desperation for love, friendship has cost me my self-worth, my energy and filled me with negativity. These people are adults, they have lives they are focused on I cannot be a nuisance for them to deal with but be the support for them when they need me. For now, I need to focus on myself and it makes me feel lonely to deal with this alone but I have to do this on my own. Stand up again on my own, gather strength to be everything I need to be, the best version of me.
No more excuses. No more hiding behind excuses. No more complaining. No more expecting. No more trying to force anything on anyone. No more putting others first. No more losing myself in this maze of life. It is time to rise now.
It is time for the ghosts to the dissappear. If they are to materialize welcome with open arms. That is it!
I fear I have become clingy, have I? I have been desperate for love, for companionships. Have I gone overboard? May be.
My expectations has grown and now I fear I will be dissapointed. So here I am taking a step back, breathe. As I give him space, I give myself space as well. I need to focus on myself now. I need to be desperate for my own peace of mind, love for myself and take care of my own well being.
I am enough.
You were the first one I ever felt connected with, it was an hour was it we spent together? I remember I wanted to devour you. You felt like everything I need maybe you still are. We met at the wrong time I guess but I’m glad we met. Maybe there is still a chance for us but you have seas to cross. Only time will tell.
You I left behind. I loved you. I still do. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.
I see you. Your ambitions are bigger than anything else. I can’t see us together. You feel so comfortable, I feel at peace at the thought of you.
Guarded. funny. sarcastic. I’ve barely scratched the surface. You will open with time and the is what we are running out of.
I am lost. Within.
Desperate. Longing for togetherness.
None of you are right, neither wrong.
I am enough.
A person can be your addiction
A person can become a habit
A person can be love
A person can be your strength
And your weakness.
A person is more than the eyes, the nose and the lips, the face.
The person is more than innocence
The person is the best thing to happen to you
The person is your biggest selfless act
The person is your biggest selfless love
And your worst heartbreak.
Funny how I used to try so hard to not feel pain, and now that very feeling, pain makes me feel alive. Like this world is real, I am alive and I am living because I can feel pain. It hurts and I feel it. Feeling it gives me the sense of being alive. It is sad, of all the things, pain! I curse at myself but it is what it is and I accept that. I hope someday this pain will be replaced by peace or happiness or something else.
I had heard them describe their feeling with the word, Melancholy. To me, it was a fancy word back then, probably because I did not understand the word but I had looked up the meaning of the word then and forever imprinted in my head. I forget the meaning of the word every now and then but life reminds me.
Who knew I would use to word to use how I was feeling, but the current state of my emotion is best described as Melancholy. All of a sudden I get engulfed in sadness. A few minutes back I was laughing with my friends and then Poof! went away my joy replaced by the sadness, and the reason I see none. Nothing has happened to me, life is as is or even better. I’m happy, joyful most of the time. I have good friends. Life is better than I thought it would be but there I am sad.
Is it a person? an event? a moment? a thought? What is the trigger of this feeling?
This heart seeks for an assurance,
that things are going to alright,
that I will find the love of my life,
that I will find happiness in someone new.
But for now, I will smile with the happy moments I have in a friendship
For now, I will smile with all that I have.
And not dwell on what could have been,
Not what I wish I had.
Live in today,
Live in the now.
Yet this heart wants this tomorrow as well.
This heart is greedy for these moments of happiness.