The closer you get to people, you get exposed to their cruel side, their dark side, their fucked-up side you did not think existed. You want to scream at them on top of your lungs, tell them to fuck off.
Fuck you! Fuck you asshole!
But then what’s the point? They are who they are, and I doubt people are going to change. It is you who has to adjust. You just saw them for who they can become, a part of them.
But the fault is my own. I trusted. I relied on them. I gave them everything. I gave them me, the unfiltered me. And in return, I expected honesty, understanding but instead, I got a slap on my face, I was left with the well-deserved turmoil inside which is eating me inside-out. I feel like this feeling is killing me from within. I blame me, that’s it!
As for them, I accept them for their goodness and their darkness, the whole, the Ying and the Yang.
I can feel your lips, may be because in some parallel universe I’m kissing you.
May be it’s my imagination but I want to believe it.
And I’m rooting for me in that universe who is living the dream.
Cheers to you another me!
You are there for them
You take care of them
And they rather sacrifice you
They rather push you off the cliff
They rather push you through the edge
They don’t give a fuck about you
They rather let you do it alone
Okay then no fucks taken
I owe you nothing
I owe none of you nothing
Am i a means to an end?
I was mistaken
I am stupid
I am my own doom
You too will pass
And so it begins…
Back to embracing solitude
Where i was at my happiest
Alone. Sad mostly. But i was not miserable. Not guilty. Not wronged.
I’m shutting myself down.
Need a break!
Going in autopilot.
These tears won’t fall
If only they did.
I cannot not love you
I cannot throw you out of my life
I want to but,
I am not going to kill my heart
It has been through enough for a lifetime.
Am I supposed to do the “right thing”?
I have no energy
I will make do
Let life take its course
For you will pass by me
I will pass by you
I will smile and
Thank you for being around
For what I feel is real
And I don’t need reciprocation
I don’t need validation
Nor am i asking for it
I am not doing anything wrong
I am going to feel this feeling
I am going to smile
For as long as I can
For as long as life will let me
For tomorrow I will cry
Today I will be happy.
Today I want to not exist, if it was a choice but unfortunately it is not. So I breathe heavily, wishing it were my last. I stomp the earth as hard as I can like my anger would go away but it hasn’t. I am angry at everything. And at myself the most for the person I am, the disappointment I am. Things need to change about myself or I will be this sad forever, a pathetic sad soul, a waste of an existence.
I could write endless love stories about you and me.
Every detailed moments.
Like how you would get on top of me,
Look me in the eye
Give me a peck in the lips
And roll on to the other side of bed
Search for my hand looking at the ceiling
Grasp my hand tight
In that fantasy, I could spend a life time.