There are whole other kinds of pains that I not know of; when I read about abuses done to them by the people they love, I wonder of the pain they feel. I ask myself in all of these kinds of pain does my pain become insignificant? I’ve seen pain in the eyes of people when they lose their loved ones to time or death, last goodbyes that were left unsaid, I wonder what kind of pain that leaves behind in people. I wonder if that kind of pain can even be compared to the pain I got in my head.
My pain is of loneliness, of feeling worthless, of not being good enough for the people around me, my pain is in my head, it a disease I’m afraid to acknowledge or accept out in the open. Accepting that out in the open doesn’t do any good either because looked upon by the world as a “damsel in distress”, which is not something I would want in on my book. So I put on my iron mask and tell myself that I’m a one man army who needs to fight my own fights and just get this life done. Sometimes when I hear myself talk like this life is a work that needs to get done and that is exactly what it has started to feel like because of my inability to see the bigger picture in life; I wonder if that is going to change and become something more. I wonder if I’ll ever become significant to people starting with my family. When I think of things I want out of life that is one thing that strikes the cord with me, BEING SIGNIFICANT. That’s the one thing I’m sure of that I need to make out of myself and my life, to take care of people I need to take care and rest take it as it comes. I guess I have given myself a motto in life, I wonder even if it can be called that, a motto.
May be someday I’m going to wake of and realize that I’ve become more than what I thought I would or could have become. May be I’ll become significant in ways I think is possible for me, insignificant cry baby who puts on an iron mask of a man.
I broke the mirrors today, and i felt the pain
The first words i spoke were, oh god i can feel again
Trapped in this numbness i had forgotten all my pains
Now awake, i wonder if i’ll fully feel again
I’ve learnt to smile even if its end of the world
I’ve learnt to be nice to people even if i hate the sight of their shadow
I’ve learnt to let go of hate, failure, success
I’ve learnt to give and not expect anything in return
I’ve learnt to make myself believe in myself and it doesn’t matter even if its only me who beleived in me
I’ve learnt to stop depending on others except my mother of course for now
I’ve learnt to stop caring about the world what they might think of me or of things i do
I’ve learnt to dance in the crowd and just have fun, most times i need at least a bit of alcohol in me
I’ve learnt to hold back tears and my heart
I’ve learnt to be selfish and not be bothered
I’ve learnt to speak my mind and force in some humor even if its only me laughing at the end
I’ve learnt to try even if i know i will fail
I’ve learnt to not feel bad for myself for being alone
I’ve learnt to walk tall
I’ve learnt to be my biggest supporter and critic
I’ve learnt to take whats given with a smile and to thank others and mean it
I’ve learnt to learn and keep learning which i know will never end
Im tired of life and people, everybody wants to loved but nobody wants to accept that they want love. It’s funny how our head works we want things but never ask for it. Why i want to know. Is it pride i wonder or is that you don’t want to take something from people which they don’t want to give.
Words don’t come easy, there – yet not there
it’s like your shadow, you see it out in the light but in the dark you can’t find it
but it’s still there, it never leaves you alone.
It’s like drops of water leaking out of a broken tap
it comes, just drops after drops,
never fills a pot,
never quenches your thirst.
That’s how words come, and you grow tired.
Yet you collect every drop
Coz those drops are precious
those drops are like tears of the phoenix,
heals away your wound but the scars do remain.
Pain goes away but you still remember how that felt.
The power in words is something to reckon with.
Gives you strength when you got none
Gives you hope when hopes run out
it moves you to move mountains
what you thought impossible becomes possible
that’s how words come.
I hate to feel helpless and i dunno how to get rid of this feeling. Its a question i dun have an answer to, what the hell am i supposed to do, who the hell am i supposed to be. Dunno how to do it even if i had the answers to the what’s and who.
I find myself in the corner, my frustration trying to burst out and I’m barely holding up. I feel sorry for my incompetence and my worthlessness and for people who suffer because of me. Would give anything to get rid of all of this, if i could erase myself from existence i would but thats not possible and thinking about it isn’t exactly going to solve anything. I only wish it would though.
I know that I haven’t exactly lived or seen much of life but it feels like I’ve had enough. Wish i could just say i quit but then what?… I hate these what who and how’s, they always trouble me, make me think about shits i dun wanna be thinking about but i know it’s not just me and it might sound fucked up but that actually helps to a certain level to tell myself if they can so can i!