I feel sad today
I feel like im loosing a lot of things
I hear too many negative thoughts crowding my mind
I feel a lot of things weighing me down
What have i become?
What has life become?
Am i loosing you?
The only connection I made in years
Why have you become so important to me?
Even when I know I am not anymore for you
Am i alone again?
Yes, yes i am
So I have fallen from your graces
So I don’t matter
Did I ever?
What happened to the love that was thrown around?
Was it pretend?
It feels that way.
I thought it was real, guess it ain’t.
So i shall leave
So you don’t have to turn away anymore.
Love. All love. Lost. Gone with the wind.
All thats left is my bruised heart.
That will never trust again.
Back in solitude. Where it belongs.
Where it shall remain.
He was “the man” they say. He took care of everyone he cared about. He was a great father, a great husband and family meant a lot for him. He was there for them even if it meant he had to go an extra mile to be there. Yea he was not perfect; he was not exactly a great son to his parents, he had his reasons. That said, from what I could gather of him, he was a great human being and a great friend too. But of course I didn’t get to know him; he didn’t get to see his son grow either; I am told he was the happiest man the day I was born. And here I am, his son, who is nothing like he was. And I wonder if I will ever be someone who the world loves dearly, someone who was very strong and did everything in his power for his family and his friends.
There are times when I consume myself thinking about what it might have been like if he was still here. If 20 years back he hadn’t left town for work and had stayed with his a month old son and his wife and his daughters; if that accident hadn’t happened. May be life would have been great, I’d be part of one of the happiest family on earth and I would have been the person I was supposed to be. May be, may be not but one thing I know is I’d have known a great father. So it feels like there is this big blank space in me which can’t be filled and I will forever be incomplete. And it sucks to feel this feeling but hey I don’t have a switch to turn that off so I live with it everyday. But I’ve come to know he didn’t have it in his “fate” to get to know his son, so it would have been me if it wasn’t him then. And I think it would have been better if it was me at least my mother and sisters would have known a life they deserve, a great one with him. If I were given to make one wish just one that would be it, be it me instead of him; Atleast that big shoes wouldn’t be empty right now. But the reality is the one I’m living in and that is not changing anytime soon or ever so it me who has to change for better.
So I live knowing I’m supposed to fill that space he left behind in my family, be the backbone, the source of strength which I know he is still a part of for my mother besides us to be as strong as she is. Even though he is not here he lives through the people for who he meant a lot. And through them I have his picture painted up in my head, my inspiration, and my goal to be who he was and may be even better but of course in my own way. And here I am, when I see myself failing as im trying to do so, I breakdown; I live knowing I am at the moment nothing but a disappointment to a lot of people. Its like I’ve lost my path and every morning I wake up I want to go right back to sleep, all I think about is all that I don’t have that I want to have and all that I’m supposed to do and be, is what I’m not and it feels like doesn’t matter how hard I try its not enough but one thing I know is I can do better, give my best.
What am I supposed to do in life? I’ve asked myself this question thousands of times I think I’ve finally found my answers. May be I’ve found meaning for my life, reason to wake up every morning and not want to go back to sleep. It’s going to be a challenge but I know what I need to do now and I need to start now, shape up. It’s now or never. I am his son, I have it in my blood to be a strong person and will live upto be the person I’m supposed to be even if it means I have to go those extra miles to get there. I believe that and I will get there.