Not Today

If I had cared for what people thought of me, talked about me in front of me or behind my back I would have never survived high school, that is a fact I know but I did survive and doesn’t matter what they throw at me I know I will survive and I will fight, therefore I’m a survivor and a ‘onemanarmy’.

I dun remember what age I was but I used to wonder if eating body lotion would kill me, come to of think of it, that’s very disturbing. But this subject of killing myself has always been in my head for a long time, not that I’m proud of that thought or anything but it feels like I’ve always been looking for a reason to look forward in life, to just live. It feels like, a line I quote from the series game of thrones “death is a god to whom you say, not today”. That is what I’ve been doing for a long time, trying my very best to keep that thought away but now that I’ve found myself a reason to live a little it is easier to keep the thought of death away.

So this is what I’ve learnt, if you find it hard to breathe, to live find yourself a reason, a reason you cannot run from, may be you can look at it like a leash what binds you with life and hope with the days passing you find more reasons to live. Live free, live hard and breathe some life into your life and yourself; and keep saying not today to death, because you are yet to live, live till you can greet death like an friend but till that day push the thought of death far far away from your head, from your life.

 

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life to figure?

It is said that everyone is born with a purpose; if so i would like to know what my purpose is in this life. Wouldn’t it have been so much easier if the moment we were born we were told of our life’s purpose? But then that would contradict to the belief that we are born free, implying that we don’t actually have free will, thus we can say that we are bound by our purpose in life. So it begs me to ask myself if there is such thing as freedom and free will if we are born with a purpose. And i wonder when i hear or read people say they are born to do this and that. Did they just let go of their free will? or did they choose a purpose themselves off of their free will? May be they are just way too much influenced by the movies and just wanted to say it because that does sound cool in some weird way. I wonder of the feeling they feel when they actually believe that they have found their purpose in this wonderland of the world ruled by cruel selfish witches whose sole purpose is to bring doom on the people and their lives.
Why is it so important to have a purpose in life? A tiny voice in my head tells me its because purpose gives meaning to life, does it actually make you feel like you are worth something. But why do we all need that? seeking life’s meaning or self-worth is like going on could-be-a-suicide mission and if you do survive it what then? Is enlightenment the prize at the end of all of this? why do we even need this enlightenment shit anyway? why go through all this hassle? why not wake up everyday and go about it?
One of the hardest things that i’d had to do in life is to convince myself of something like the need of purpose in life and enlightenment.  I’ve started telling myself that if I’m supposed to find something i will and leave it at that. So much time and energy spent trying to figure “life” out that i’d forgotten to take care myself and things that were slipping away from me. The way i figure loosing what i have is not something i can afford but i can stop chasing after something that isn’t there. i just have to believe that with time i will find it right in front of me; hopefully. Till then i just going to live a day at a time and focus on living than on life.