Challenge accepted!

It feels like life is trying to break me down. 

One thing after the other. It has been just mentally challenging till now and I have survived, grown strong not smart though. And now it is giving me physical challenge on top of more mental challenges. It has given me tumor which might be cancer. It is a disease that will change a lot of things for me in life going forward. Though highly curable, there is still chances of 1-5% of it returning back, still a number which requires me to be careful with myself now.

I know I will get through this. I know I’m strong, but am I strong enough? I am trying to prepare myself but I don’t know what to expect. I’m scared, trying hard not to show, not let the tears fall because,

I am a card in a house of cards, if I fall so will this house of cards. And that I will try very hard to not happen.

I am strong. I am moving forward. I am healing. I am healthy. I am peace. I am calm. I can withstand anything.

Sadness and you

I feel sad today

I feel like im loosing a lot of things

I hear too many negative thoughts crowding my mind

I feel a lot of things weighing me down

What have i become?

What has life become?

Am i loosing you?

The only connection I made in years

Why have you become so important to me?

Even when I know I am not anymore for you

Am i alone again?

Yes, yes i am

Past and Present

I am lost for words to describe you
I don’t have enough words to describe you

You took me out of the box I was living in
You are teaching me to live in this harsh world

I wish I had given you more love than I did
I wish I could love you like I want to

I wish things had never ended for us
I wish we could begin like my heart desires

You are the best thing that ever happened to me
You are the best thing to walk into my life

I wish we never went our separate ways
I wish we could be together

You never understood me
You can never understand me

Life just left me with nothing
Only desires left unfulfilled

I should have held you close
I want the courage to face you in the light

Imaginary love

The idea of love has always given me a hope of finding peace and happiness in life. May be that is why I go searching for love even when I strongly feel love is not found by searching, but love will come looking for you. But this heart of mine is not patient, therefore I have become a victim of imaginary love.

I am different, not your average Joe but knowing this is feels like the biggest cruse when you need to hold you heart back of whom it desires, for love felt only by one and not reciprocated by another causes nothing but harm. But the saddest part is the other person not knowing the existence of the love. You don’t have the courage to confront this feeling and you settle for the imaginary love. The question I ask, must the other person know? Why can’t I be selfish and just take all the feeling this imaginary love can give me? The good feeling, the hurt, the sadness, everything. What is wrong in feeling all this. I will have to move on till then, let me drown myself in this imagined love. Something is better than nothing. And this thought has made a willing victim out of me.

via Daily Prompt: Imaginary

Hurting wishes

I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?

I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.

I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.

But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.

The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!