Life. One day at a time, it passes. It can’t be paused. Yesterday won’t return. And we are always running after one thing or the other. Good grades. Medals. Money. Love. Pleasure. Feelings and emotions. Company. Work. Earning. Family. Happiness. Six-pack abs. So much desire, So much wants. A human heart is truly greedy.
In the midst of all this, it begs me to ask myself What exactly is life? Is this it?
It is nothing? passing of time. loneliness, suffering. sadness. happiness. smile. tears. being satisfied in having what you have.
Love and heartbreaks brings me back here again. Is it time to love again or just let go again? Is it time? I ask myself and my heart says no but my head say you might as well but what do I want? What should I want? Love or solitude. Patience my instinct says. Patience. Breath. Everything that is meant to happen will happen.
As we kissed, you said “I love you”
And i mumbled “Okay”
I hurt the last person who said that to me.
You said again “I love you”
And I mumbled “I love you too”
But love alone is not enough.
You said “are you sure? you don’t have to say it”
I said “i will have to ask myself that”
Were the words said for the sake of it, do these words weight this little?
I did feel the love the first night we spent together. It was beautiful.
But where are we going? I don’t see it. I barely know you.
Are these all words coming as excuses to stay away from love, or you don’t feel the same?
Relationship weak and in pieces
Only tears and heartache
Is it better to have nothing than this?
I wish for nothing
I wish to be no one
Disappear like I never existed
But what will that bring? Peace?
Or just numbness?
Throwing pebbles into the water, creating ripples
I dont want to throw pebbles no more
Let there be stagnance
Why am I running after ghosts? People I wish were with me. Feelings I wish existed. Realities I dream of. Why am I causing my own unhappiness and expecting others to take care of it! Why am I expecting so much from outside when I know this is something that needs to be addressed from inside. Why I chasing after what is not there? Why?
My desperation for love, friendship has cost me my self-worth, my energy and filled me with negativity. These people are adults, they have lives they are focused on I cannot be a nuisance for them to deal with but be the support for them when they need me. For now, I need to focus on myself and it makes me feel lonely to deal with this alone but I have to do this on my own. Stand up again on my own, gather strength to be everything I need to be, the best version of me.
No more excuses. No more hiding behind excuses. No more complaining. No more expecting. No more trying to force anything on anyone. No more putting others first. No more losing myself in this maze of life. It is time to rise now.
It is time for the ghosts to the dissappear. If they are to materialize welcome with open arms. That is it!
I fear I have become clingy, have I? I have been desperate for love, for companionships. Have I gone overboard? May be.
My expectations has grown and now I fear I will be dissapointed. So here I am taking a step back, breathe. As I give him space, I give myself space as well. I need to focus on myself now. I need to be desperate for my own peace of mind, love for myself and take care of my own well being.
I am enough.
You were the first one I ever felt connected with, it was an hour was it we spent together? I remember I wanted to devour you. You felt like everything I need maybe you still are. We met at the wrong time I guess but I’m glad we met. Maybe there is still a chance for us but you have seas to cross. Only time will tell.
You I left behind. I loved you. I still do. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.
I see you. Your ambitions are bigger than anything else. I can’t see us together. You feel so comfortable, I feel at peace at the thought of you.
Guarded. funny. sarcastic. I’ve barely scratched the surface. You will open with time and the is what we are running out of.
I am lost. Within.
Desperate. Longing for togetherness.
None of you are right, neither wrong.
I am enough.
A person can be your addiction
A person can become a habit
A person can be love
A person can be your strength
And your weakness.
A person is more than the eyes, the nose and the lips, the face.
The person is more than innocence
The person is the best thing to happen to you
The person is your biggest selfless act
The person is your biggest selfless love
And your worst heartbreak.
Funny how I used to try so hard to not feel pain, and now that very feeling, pain makes me feel alive. Like this world is real, I am alive and I am living because I can feel pain. It hurts and I feel it. Feeling it gives me the sense of being alive. It is sad, of all the things, pain! I curse at myself but it is what it is and I accept that. I hope someday this pain will be replaced by peace or happiness or something else.