My ex-lover used to call me ‘kuwabhitrako bhyaguta’ which translates to frog who dwells inside the well because I was not much of a roamer. I prefered to staying in the bed under my blanket to going out anyday. To my why, he said I should see the world outside of this well I have imprisoned in. I blame this society I was brought up in where my mom prisoned me and grew up to do that to myself. Weird when i think of it.
So here i am years later remembering his words, trying to change myself. Baby steps. Here i sit on a rooftop restaurant with a beer writing this. I noticed the crowd, the busy roads, the pollution, the broken buildings being repaired, the music, the clear sky, the mountains, the birds and the hustle bustle as the day comes to an end.
This is what life is, series of hustle and bustle. You find youself then u loose yourself. The continuous struggle with finding your passion, love, meaning, soul, relationships, people.
Have you dreamt of a prince charming?
I have and he is here
And he is straight
There comes a time when, multiple times in life, you find yourself very lonely. You could be around people but you still chose to stay alone because them being around does not change the fact that I am feeling lonely.
Growing up I have been a loner, a sad fellow who always manage to hide the fact really well. I grew up to accept it, adjust to it and then I fell for someone. I mattered to someone. I was loved by someone. Life was beautiful, it was all colorful. I was happy and I knew it, felt it. I found great friends, I mattered to them. We drank, we sang, we enjoyed our times together. I was not lonely anymore. I was not sad. Sure I still had things that were bothering me but I was happy.
Things then went south. I lost of lot of thing. Reasons sometimes were me, circumstances, them but that does not matter. Because the fact that I’ve lost everything I had does not change now knowing these reason, blaming someone or times. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I’m to do right now. So my choice has become to stay alone. Try to find my peace. Try to find my stabilizing agent.
They say your happiness has to come from within, from you. But for some reason I am unable to love myself. The love has always come from others and them I have lost and along with them their love as well. I was trying to hunt for love but I forgot love is given not asked for.
I think i am having another crisis. I think i am getting depressed to the point where the psychologic pain is turning into physical one as well. I wonder if there is some hormonal imbalance in me now that I have lost one nut. I just cringe and the weather is not the reason. I wonder if it is because my ex is happy with another guy. I saw the smile on him. I feel sad i am not the reason anymore. I wonder if it because my work life is in chaos. I don’t seem to be able to get along with most people. I wonder if it is because I am having this ego battle with my sister. I wonder if it is because all my plans have fallen into nothing. I dreamt up a fragile castle of cards. I am breaking uo into pieces again. I am taking tests online to see if i am depressed. I am on the verge of breaking down and breathing deep breaths is the only thing keeping me not on the ground. I have lost faith in God, he is not going to do anything for me. He always has a big price. I am alone. I laugh and try make others laugh along to forget the sadness but they never seem to go far away. Always there, round the corner.
I wish i was never born. I wish i could die without causing any harm. I wish i could cease to exist. I am tired. This heart aches.
Do you think I asked you just for a ride?
Are you that dumb?
Do you not understand?
It is not a ride I want,
It is the presence I am asking for,
I want somebody whom I trust by me,
Because I am scared.
What is the extreme loneliness you have felt?
I discover new extremes every time I find myself feeling lonely.
Are you surrounded by people?
I am, and it is same as then when I was standing alone.
Do you think they love you unconditionally?
If you thought yes, you thought wrong.
What lengths have you gone to try get rid of loneliness?
I sold my self-respect for moments of another body by me.
Have you begged for a presence?
I did and now I don’t know who I have become anymore.
Are you tired?
I am exhausted.
Here I go again, to revive myself.
My love you are gone
You have left me truely this time
You have met another man
You have forgotten me
Took less time than I thought it would
Yet here I am still hanging on to the love we had
I will never get over you
I just hope life will bring me someone give me enough love to not remember
The love we once.
The love you once made me feel.